7 Habits of Highly Effective Idiots

This is not a satiric article, but a real look at the world around. I've seen a lot of flowery articles and books on all the greatness and positive karma floating around the world. But rarely have I seen any commentary on the scum floating around. Its time to fix this deficit with this article on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Idiots!

#1 - They are in a position of authority:

Idiots are all around us. But the ones that cause most consternation are the ones that you cannot ignore because they are in a position of authority over us. Their actions have a direct impact on our lives. Eg. parents, elder siblngs, teachers, bosses, politicians.

#2 - They think of themselves as inspirational people

They would think of themselves as inspirational ideologues and would give long-winded lectures to people who out of politeness or deference to the idiot's authority indulge them. (Think school principal!)

#3 - They overestimate their duplicity

Idiots would lie, fudge and mislead others, but are completely oblivious to the fact that the other party is on to their game. Two words to parents : Santa Claus Your kids really do lose respect when they find out.

#4 - "Know it all"

This kind of idiots would butt into any conversation and pretend that they know exactly what is going on and would try to lead the conversation forward through some inane comments that would make no sense to anyone around

#5 - Do not listen

When everybody around them is warning them about the foolhardiness of their actions, they would not pay heed and when they finally do face the consequences of their idiocy, they would blame the very same people who have been warning them.

#6 - Those who get married on reality TV

Married to Rakhi Sawant, Rahul Mahajan...seriously? But I rate this as effective idiocy, 'coz of the TRP ratings. Tells you how much of an epidemic idiocy is in our society or a lack of real entertainment in other channels that people have to watch this!

#7 - Low level of self-awareness

A highly effective idiot, would go through all above 6 points, laugh his/her gut out at other perceived idiots that they might know, but not for a moment realizing or reflecting on his/her own standing there.

Phas Gaya Re Obama - The smart hindi movie

2010 has been a year when I felt that the quality of mainstream movies went up a few notches. There were several movies like Ishqiya, Love Sex Aur Dhoka, Peepli Live that explored different ways of story telling or telling stories that haven't been told before.

In this context, Phas Gaya Re Obama was a movie that simply blew me away by the sheer depth of the script and the twisted irony, that is life, it salutes.

The way in which the unfolding script mirrors the events that led to the collapse of the housing market in the US was pure genius. Any lay person would understand the absurd chain of events that the story line captures. But when you think that its same degree of absurdity that was one of the principle causes of the current recession, it does make you wonder, wtf! And when u think that recession is what Obama is caught in, you go all the more wtf at the ironic name of the movie!

Anyways the intent of this short post is to tell you that 1) I loved this movie 2) Go watch it.

HR Manager in Leading IT Company Lynched for Disrespecting Rajnikanth Dot

In a shocking incident of blasphemy and its gory aftermath, an HR manager was brutally assaulted by a mob of employees in Bangalore’s famous, Electronic City. Giving details of the incident, Chella Devaiah, Superintendant of Police, E-City said, “The group of employees barged into the cabin of this HR manager and beat him black and blue for alleged disrespect to Rajnikanth. They then paraded him across the campus to set an example to other people who might insult Rajnikanth”

After hearing of this incident, Bangalore bus conductors union issued a statement extolling the Godliness of Rajnikanth and promised free bus travel to all the members of the employee mob. All they need to do is produce an FIR of the case filed against them. They also invited Rajnikanth to be a guest Bus Conductor on the 351 /356 Vajra bus service route to attract more passengers and boost employee morale, which has been devastated by i-pod carrying passengers who do not listen to the Sandalwood music diligently played by the bus drivers.

We spoke to some employees of this company who were able to give a cogent version of events. Apparently an employee, marked a mail to the HR Head asking for a salary hike, claiming Rajnikanth had said so. The HR Head replied, saying that, “ Salary hikes are given basis Company performance and quantum of hike depends of the individual performance. Rajnikanth has never and will not play a role in the salary hikes we give.” This response quickly went viral and was forwarded to all employees in the company. A section of the employees were enraged by the flagrant disregard shown by this HR Head to Rajnikanth’s omnipresence and his wish. Another group of employees were slighted by the HR Head not bothering to cross check with Rajnikanth before his response. But a bulk of the employees however were just pissed off that there was no direct answer to the question in the mail.

A mob soon gathered at the cafeteria and decided to teach the HR Head a lesson. But since she was a lady and Thalaivar has clear rules of engagement when it comes to dealing with women, that involves lot of respect giving, a compromise was reached to thrash the HR Manager who reported to her. Thus the mob barged into his room and took out their ire on him. When reports last came in, the HR Manager was recovering from this incident and claimed to be a fan of Rajnikanth himself and was serving the last week of his notice period with the company DOT

Pehchan Kaun

Thats for making a logo with zero inspiration... take that Airtel and JWT!!

And as for the video, with the guy popping up wherever the girl goes...isn't that a bit like Johnny Bravo? Only difference, is the girl is happy to see the guy in the ad.

Whiskey Tequila Frooti - WTF. Its gonna be a thing.

So you're 27 yr old testosterone driven male Vodafone user ever since you got a mobile phone. You wonder if your brand is meant for you. You tolerate the pug and the zoozoo though deep down you wonder it aint a little gay. But then you see the new Vodafone ad openly pandering to women and you think, Whiskey Tequila Frooti



You look at the new Airtel logo, that looks a lot like a lot of things you have seen before but can't quite place your finger on and think Whiskey Tequila Frooti.

And then in that little moment,you know thats exactly what Sunil Bharti Mittal must have been drinking when he approved the new logo! Whiskey+Tequila with Frooti.

Its been a long week and your boss calls you on Friday with a request so patently lousy that even Dilbert would go Whiskey Tequila Frooti along with you.

Your team thinks that you are a pompous ass. Whiskey Tequila Frooti. How did they know?!

Your stuck in a 2 hour traffic jam to get home on Friday, when you get a flat tyre. Yes. Whiskey Tequila Frooti

While you change your tyre, a cop fines you for stopping in a no-parking zone.Whiskey Tequila Frooti

You get home to see a 12 hour power cut and no water supply. Whiskey Tequila Frooti

You go to a restaurant, but forget your wallet. Whiskey Tequila Frooti

After all this, your partner thinks you have been deliberately ignoring her. Whiskey Tequila Frooti.

So you get the idea of WTF-Whiskey Tequila Frooti? Now in case you're wondering, why this combination? WTF!! who drinks this combination anyway??

Neighbour's Envy : Owner's Pride - A Strategy for Foreign Policy?

Anyone who has read the recent book, "Obama's Wars" by Bob Woodward would be struck by 3 things. [a] Afghanistan has been on drift in the Bush years [b] Pakistan has been basically owning the Americans and playing them at will [c] Any American military tactic would be an exercise in find a face-saving exit.

There is a very interesting analogy attributed in the book to the Pakistani Ambassador to the United Stated Haqqani. He says that Pakistan like Iran is a nation of carpet salesman and diplomacy with them is like a negotiation. You got to keep on haggling on the price. Very often the buyer (in this case the US) gets disoriented In the entire seduction of the bargain and ends up with something they would never have bought when they started out! The realities of today are no less amusing. Al Qaeda is today in Pakistan. It is more dangerous for them to be in Afghanistan. The Americans set out in 2001 to root out Al Qaeda in Afghanistan and Pakistan was their ally! If this were December 2001, the Americans would have gone into Pakistan. But somehow they are doling out billions of dollars of defence aid to Pakistan with nothing more than hope.

You have got to hand it to the Pakistanis. They are like the prodigal son of the family. Rowdy, impetuous, always getting into trouble with the good elder sibling (india) watches, yet however they get away with everything and also get the girl in the end!! Pakistan is living Salman Khan’s life!

In this context the recent pronouncements by Obama on his India visit is a landmark move by the American establishment. The Americans had already realized the Pakistani game. But for the first time they have a strategy to deal with it.

If carpet bargaining were an essential South Asian trait, sibling rivalry and jealousy is the crown. By placing up India’s role in this part of the world, the Americans have started off what could be a very bloody game in turning around Pakistan. A disaffected Pakistan could wreck havoc in the short run in the region in an attempt to role back or slow down American largesse to India. If however the Americans hold their ground, then the Pakistanis would start their carpet bargaining game again. Layer by layer new offers would be made. American leverage here is India ie the threat that they would rather get their carpets from the Big brother next door.

Possible things that would happen in the months to come would be
A] Terrorist attacks on American interests in Afghanistan
B] Another 26/11 type attack in India
C] Terrorist attacks on American interests in India
D] Pakistan giving up some senior level Taliban figures to earn goodwill

E] Pakistan giving up Mullah Omar, the Taliban chief
F] Pakistan giving up Al-Zawhari or other senior Al Qaeda leader
G] Osama Bin Laden, dying naturally (due to his kidney ailment)
H] Pakistan giving up Osama Bin Laden

The outer limit to this is the 2012 Presidential elections. If Obama gets re-elected, Pakistan sees a longer game. Else they might have an opportunity to redo from start. Either way the Americans have just unleashed a new wave of chaos. Chaos precedes stability. This unfolding diplomatic game of Neighbors Envy, Owners Pride is sure to usher in interesting times.

Tragic Suicide of Young Woman

In another tragic incident, the chaotic lifestyle of today's urban youth claimed another victim.

Renu Chawla was a 30 yr old successful newscaster for Channel WTF. Though she was from a reasonably affluent middle class background, Renu had to go through her share of problems in life. Educated in a conservative nunnery aka boarding school in Shimla, Renu felt like a freed bird when she moved to one of India’s premier colleges. Inebriation, intoxication and orgasms were words learnt in school but understood in college. These should not mask the fact that Renu was exceptional at studies, which explains her admission to these premier institutions. She was a girl who also had her fun. (If guys reading this are feeling sorry for themselves, ur bad). This life would have been the dream for any guy.

Renu went on to weather a turbulent marriage that was preceded by a whirlwind romance to a guy, whose virtues were visible only to her. She found him funny, smart, handsome and caring. Others however saw him to be slimy, two-faced and perpetually horny. The inevitable divorce left Renu in the dumps but she got her career soaring as a way of coping. Long work days, longer party nights with friends were now her lifestyle. Evading her parents and snooty relatives was now her favorite pastime. It is into this dysfunctional life he came in. She affectionately called him Kenny and she was crazy for him. She changed completely. Work now stopped at 6pm. Friends could wait for the weekend. She could now see her family in the eye.

And then one day she caught Kenny following Sara into her house. Sara was her neighbor and a TV model to boot. She hated that bitch. That bitch with her long silky hair and all. She especially hated her during her bad hair days. Tears streamed down her eyes. All the disappointments of her life flashed in front of her eyes. In a moment of madness, she jumped off her 10th floor balcony.

It was a huge story. Channel WTF covered it LIVE for 36 hours. The Police arrested her ex-husband for abetment of suicide. A heartbroken Kenny sat in the balcony and refused to eat for days and eventually died.

Video of that Bitch, Sara.


PS: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any Renu Chawla, Kenny or Channel WTF is entirely coincidental. However, the same may not be true for others and if this story reminds you of snippets from your own life call a suicide helpline. I shall not be responsible for any damage you do yourself or anyone around you

Kashmir Does Matter - Dont Mess With It

The recent outburst by Arundhati Roy and the reactions to it had got me thinking. While it was easy shooting down the messenger, Ms.Roy, I was however, finding it a little more difficult to overlook her message - The hopelessness felt by the people of Kashmir.

I agree that Kashmir is part of the overall geo-political game in the region and a weak hand by the Indian Government, would have ramifications for the rest of India. After a long search over the past 10 days I have discovered some cynical, startling truths that I cannot explain or justify but I have come to believe.

1. Never trust the Pakistani establishment. But, given that my state of confusion was regarding Kashmir, I would henceforth stick only to the Kashmir problem.

2. The media and punditry has always criticized the GoI for lacking imagination but never have come up with any worth while suggestions themselves. The closest anyone has come up to convince me with their idea for this has been...Pervez Musharaf!!



Watch from 6.55 onwards

3. Power Corrupts. Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely. AFSPA is absolute power. And giving it in the hands of men trained for battle and the moral compass of whose leaders may not always be pointing North (refer Adarsh Society) is asking for trouble. This is not a problem that is restricted to the Indian State. Even the holier than thou Western powers have asked Amnesty International to take a walk when it comes to territories in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Army is meant to fight battles, not govern. They can build a bridge, better and faster than anyone else in the country. But that does not mean we let them run the country, state or districts. This is applicable in every state and corner of the country, of which Kashmir is only one.

4. It is not the Army's job to step in for the failure of elected officials to provide Governance and of bureaucrats to provide efficient pubic service. An efficient democratic process at least lets us throw out the politicians but who is holding the Judiciary and the Bureaucracy of India accountable? The bureaucrats of the country, at worst get a transfer for misdeeds or suspension with pay till they are inevitably restored. Judicial Accountability is the biggest joke in this country. The media is not allowed to question them, without attracting contempt of court proceedings and in the rarest of rare cases where the message does get through, the judge is transferred! So while this is the state of affairs in India, in Kashmir, the bureaucracy is skeletal and the judiciary phantom.

5. One of the biggest reasons for the intractable stance of most Indians in Kashmir is that they do not really have the true picture of what is happening on the ground in Kashmir. It is important for the media to give an accurate picture of the issues on the ground. Fair and balanced, but not the Fox News style! By peddling the Government's side, they are letting the Govt off the hook for its failings.

6. India is a collection of states and culture. Despite the best efforts of our Civics text books, we grow to realize that there is no "Indian culture". Most Indians would feel discriminated and subject to racial taunts when they go to other parts of the country. Ask anyone from the North East in Delhi or South Indian in Delhi or North Indian in Chennai or Bihari in Mumbai. Yet we travel and move to fulfill our dreams. We assimilate and learn. We understand and forgive. We grow by being more Indian.

Being Indian is an acquired taste. I think its worth it.

Tri-Color Nation

The tri-color reminds many people in India, Russia, Romania, Ireland and Costa Rica of their nation's flag. But the tri-color also represents a ubiquitous entity that transcends national boundaries. It is the color coded lingo of the corporate world.

Across industries, these three simple colors have been used as code by the corporate world to measure complex performance requirements. The job might be getting thermal nuclear power plants to power an entire continent or simply packaging candies made for 3 yr olds, but the report card is the same - Red, Amber of Green. If there is one person who can take credit for this dumbing down of Corporate Management, it is Captain Ranga De.

Captain Ranga De, was a colossus who strutted around this Corporate Nation across continents, in his 25 year corporate career. After a 6 year Army career that was cut short by life-threatening injuries, Ranga De moved to the corporate world and has worked in many companies in different countries in many different roles.

Two things he always carried with him -
1. A hard charging and overbearing attitude that drove his teams to the extreme limits of their performance, patience and sanity
2. The tri-color performance matrix that drove his teams to the extreme limits of their performance, patience and sanity

Ranga De was a hard man to please. Once as the Director of a Sport Channel, he showed Harsha Bhogle the red card from the commentary box, telling him that he would be much better at his job if he talked less and worked more.

Another time, as the Sales Head of a struggling car dealership, he ordered the flagship model to be sold only in Green color to turnaround sales in Gujarat. When that did not succeed, he moved into an HR role and fired the entire sales team for non-performance.

The coup de grace from this illustrious gentleman was delivered surprisingly by his wife, Basanti Ranga De at his retirement party when she said, "I would like to thank everyone he has worked with, who supported him despite the life-threatening injuries, that left him color-blind when he joined the corporate world"

Breaking News : Leading IT Company declares 0% attrition through 2010-11

In what can only be described as a Bradmanesque achievement one of the industry leading marquee IT firms stole a march over all other companies in declaring that it has seen 0% attrition in the entire financial year of 2010-11. When asked by dumb-founded analysts about the secret behind this incredulous achievement, the Chairman of the company pointed to an internal policy memo circulated to its employees by its Chief Human Resource Officer last March.

Dear Employee,
As you would be knowing, we are going through tough times in the IT industry. To help the company overcome these uncertain times, I am implementing the following steps
• I would be linking 30% of your take-home salary to the company performance. And since the company is not doing well, you will in-effect be having a 30% pay-cut.
• I’m also happy to inform you that the above policy would be in-effect for 2 yrs. And when we revert to our old policy all of you would feel like you have got a 30% hike with no additional cost to the company.
• I am implementing a High Convenience travel policy. All future travel requests would start with an Autorickshaw request, For example, if an employee has to travel between Delhi and Chennai, he would start with an Autorickshaw request. If no autos are available, then a bus request and if no buses are available then a train request and finally if no other option is available, the supervisor would fly to Chennai.
• I am terminating the entire house keeping staff in all our office with immediate effect. Employees in bench would be utilized for these services. This would be part of our effort to imbibe Gandhian values in the workplace.
• In appreciation of the employee contribution to the company, with immediate effect I am rewarding all employees with two free Gulab Jamuns at lunch.

I know that all of you would appreciate the Gulab Jamuns and continue to work with us

RAJNIKANTH
Chief Human Resource Officer

Honest Confession to Voyeurism

I'm no voyeur. But some of you are doing your best to make me one. Many of you might refuse to recognise me after this post. Its ok, but you should know.

You see my name is such that it invariably ends up in the top of most people's mobile phone contact lists. Thanks to this privilege, I get atleast 6 unsolicited calls each week.

50% of the time, the unlocked keypad in your pocket, lets me know that you are travelling. Most of the time, its the people on the bikes (I can tell by the sound of the traffic). My dear friends, I sincerely hope that it is a mistake that your phone got dialled and not because your pillion rider was playing with it, in your pocket. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.

20% of the time, people go to sleep on their mobile phone. You see when I get a call at night, its scary. The nature of my job, means any night time call from an office colleague's number is an indication of disaster. So I actually attend these calls. Only to hear snoring at the other end. Yes. Ladies, some of you snore. Or is the person next to you? I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.



20% of the time, its your kids. Some of you might wonder, why an otherwise scary creature like me, could be so good with kids. Well because they call me. All the time. Give any kid a mobile phone and invariably mine is the first number they dial. I strain to understand the mumbo-jumbo language because something in me says its rude to hang up on a kid who called me. Even if I'm running through an airport security check (Yes I left the phone on while it went through the scanner). I don't think any parent gives their cellphone deliberately to their kid. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.

9% of the time, (I'm still not sure how) people hang up when I pick up the phone. I guess this is the malady of the great Indian telecom revolution that is called Call Dropping. Stupid Mobile Phone companies, but friends, I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was not even a genuine mistake on your part.


Last 1% or less, 2 times this has happened. When you make out with your partner, please do put your phone away. Its not at all necessary for me to hear it or about it. I know who you are, but wouldn't embarrass you. I don't think you wanted to make me jealous. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a stupid mistake on your part.

This story is a work of fiction (maybe not) and definitely has no relation to anyone living or dead. But when you see/hear the ubiquitous Amitabh Bachchan remember "Lock Kar Diya Jai", your mobile phone.

Man throws shoe at supervisor for bad appraisal

When Muntadhar al-Zaidi threw his infamous Size 10 shoe, he unwittingly popularized a new form of civil disobedience. This form of political protest has resonated around the world. And now, it has entered the corporate world. All thanks to Johnny Gaddar.

Johnny Gaddar was a happy go lucky corporate lackey, who did anything to keep his boss happy and the good appraisals rolling in. His motto in life was naukri aur chokri. But when his boss sat down with him to discuss a less than satisfactory appraisal, Johnny lost his cool. He could not believe that his hypocritical boss would have the gall to tell him he did not perform, with a straight face. Ten minutes into the conversation, Johnny snapped. He wanted to cry, but didn't want to give his boss the pleasure of seeing him cry. In a flash, he removed his Size 11 shoes and let loose at his boss. The sweet sound of leather smacking his bald forehead was so cathartic for Johnny that he wanted to do it again. By the time, he got his other shoe off, his boss had fled the conference room and was running down the aisle. Seeing this scene unfold before them, other co-workers too took aim at the boss. In fact, Jasmine's six-inch stilettos drew first blood.

Within one hour, word of this incredible happenstance, spread like wildfire across the corporate world. Such scenes were beginning to get replicated across the world. Someone shot a re-enactment of this on their mobile phone and put it up on youtube. The video, had 6 million hits in 6 hours. The Security team in Johnny's office immediately swung into action to confiscate footwear. As you can see, they literally ended with a mountain of shoes.

Group9 Security Head, John Rambo (no relation to Johnny) said, "We had deployed highly qualified security personnel for our operations, as we believed that these corporates were vulnerable to terrorist attacks. In fact many of our personnel are trained commandos. But we did not figure that the biggest terror would come from within."

A senior industry analyst quipped that security agencies like Group9 are seeing windfall profits by charging a bomb for putting up extra overweights chowkidars and putting up cheap mosquito net partitions in conference rooms to protect against shoe-throwers. "A new multi-billion dollar industry has opened overnight, all thanks to stupid bosses!"

MBTI Khap Panchayat

There is a huge social unrest sweeping the country today. It has got the people up in arms and angst. There have been riots across the country, with many State Governments struggling to enforce law and order.

As we know, the entire country is divided into a rigid system of khaps, which are based on an individual’s MBTI scores. There are 16 different khaps across the country as permitted by the MBTI scores. For generations, the khaps have strictly enforced 3 basic rules

1. A man cannot marry a woman from the same khap ie with the same MBTI score
2. A man cannot marry a woman with the same MBTI score as his mother
3. There shall be no social discrimination basis one’s khap or MBTI score

Lily Dholakia, renowned khap sociologist says, “The 3 khap rules of engagement were perfect. A couple with the same MBTI score getting together, was akin to inbreeding and would have begotten retarded children. Rule #2 reflects the total chauvinistic nature of society. If the woman and mother in law had the same MBTI score, the chances of them being best friends are very high, which could undermine the men in the family. Hence they never let bride-Mother in law with the same MBTI score come together.”

This time tested system has seen some recent challenges. Instances of same-khap marriages have increased among young couples. There has been an increase in young couples committing suicide.
One couple, Bunty and Bably Singh in their joint suicide note said, “Once the embers of young love, have fizzled out, we came to realize that we were basically married to mirror images of ourselves and we could neither stand ourselves and neither could we find solace in our partner. We do not want to live such wretched lives. This decision is entirely ours and not influenced by anyone else in our families or khaps and especially not by the group therapy sessions conducted by our khap panchayat”

After the recent recession, companies have begun to realize that they need to fire the bottom 10% employees in their companies. An arbit survey done by NASSCOM has come to the conclusion that ENFP employees form the bulk of these laid-off employees.


Sajani Singhania, a senior HR professional says, “ENFP are very employable people. Its easiest for them to find a job in the market. It also rests very lightly on our conscience, as we know they are going to be better off anyways. It really is a win-win situation” Responding, to this Kroor Singh, a senior INTJ khap leader, said, “If ENFP can have a firing quota, then we demand that INTJ people also be given a hiring quota. This will only restore the balance of fairness. This has a huge conflict potential, with all khaps possibly laying claims to various degress of quotas.

With these competing and controversial demands, the country is heading for tough times ahead. Only cricket or the Government can save us. But with the cricket team and IPL in shambles, as usual, we look to the Government of Pakistan to provide a suitably spectacular diversion so that people can be distracted from this controversy.

Sherry the fondler

The World Cup season is over. Paul the Octopus has won. Mani cut a sorry face, like parrots usually do and Harry the Crocodile didn’t get due credit, coz, let’s face it, nothing Down Under ever does, unless you’re Kylie or Nicole.

But their prowess during the World Cup has inspired the Corporate World to incorporate such best practices into their system. One leading Indian Conglomerate has stolen a march over the rest and come up with their own lucky mascot idea. However, they were confronted with a unique dilemma when they realized that they couldn’t bring an animal into the premises. So the ever-resourceful HR department decided to come up with their own animal and dug into their list of sexual harassment cases to find their own in-house predator.

It was decided to hold a reality TV competition that was beamed live through the intranet to all the 240,000 employees of the company, who voted for their favorite predator. The panel of judges, included notable figures like Shakti Kapoor, Shiney Ahuja and the Managing Director of the company. After an intense competition, which was open to all 124 registered predators and hitherto unknown ones (a group of 12567) a final winner was chosen – Sherry the fondler.

Addressing the audience after the announcement the MD clarified that Sherry held a distinct competitive advantage, because he was an equal opportunity fondler, as he went after men and women, irrespective of their sexual orientation. This was very important in the current socio-economic environment and was the right outlook that the company could showcase.

The company decided to put Sherry to work by allowing him to referee any intra company debate. For eg: If there is a heated debate over opposing business proposals, it would be left to Sherry to referee. If there were 6 people in the group and Sherry gropes/fondles one of them, say Kiran, then Kiran’s proposal would be chosen. If, however, Sherry decides to fondle more than one person then it would be declared a mistrial and the process would be restarted (Yes, this process is fair only to Sherry).

The same process would also be followed in case of promotions. Whosoever, Sherry fondles will be promoted. 1st weeks of January and July have been declared as promotion season. Sherry would be let loose with an HR team in tow and whosoever is fondled by him, would be promoted with immediate effect. The HR team would take care of all the formalities once Sherry is done with the employee.

Karan Ahuja, VP-HR says “We have got many complaints from employees on the much-delayed HR process for promotions and have found this to be the quickest way to address this issue. I’m sure we would increase employee satisfaction this way!”

It is to be seen how popular this initiative would turn out to be. Most employees have mixed feelings about this, except a very ecstatic Sherry. “I used to be an mongrel on the company premises no-one cared about. But now, Im a superstar. As they say, Every Dog Has His Day”

A small story with some expletives

Random Industry Conference

Friend : Hi, you're from CTB?

CTB HR lady : Yes (with a stern face)

Friend : So you know a lady called S***n who works there?

CHRL : Oh I'm from U*S. But we don't discuss lady employees with strangers

Friend : I'm sorry. Few friends from CTB had mentioned her name

CHRL : (Gives a dirty look) You should check with your friends :)

Friend : Of course. (embarassed to the core). Please don't get me wrong. S***n is a family woman and I was just checking.

CHRL : Of course you were. :)

Friend : Excuse me. I have to get a call.

Friend (out of scene) : B***h @ CHRL ... My friends are B****C***s, K#$@$@#$, M#@%$%#$@, @#$@#$@##@$ %$^$#%$ #$#%$

Moral of the story : If your remember drunken tales of friends in a formal gathering of complete strangers, please do not bother to verify

Tech company comes out of the Closet – Declares it is an equal opportunity employer

One of the World’s leading technology companies has declared that it would become an equal opportunity employer, ie it would not discriminate against employees on the basis of race, religion, caste, language or performance. Commenting on this latest announcement Mr. Charlie Flute, Sr HCP (Human Capital Practitioner) said, “We are only articulating what has been a part of the company’s value system for a long time. We have followed a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy when it comes to employee performance. We never asked about people’s performance and we never told them that they did not perform”

PARETTO & 80-20

We asked Mr. Flute how his organization would deliver high performance with such a value system. He responded, “See you have to be pragmatic about these things. Let us look at Paretto’s 80-20 principle. 80% of the work is done by 20% of the people. Even Paretto implies that the remaining 80% are contributing. The exact percentages are difficult to quantify, given the matrix structure of organization. 50% of them are supervisors and 30% are additional supervisors. Yes the numbers look unfair on the face of it but please understand our customers demand 99.95% performance not 80%. So every last bit matters.”

JACK WELCH v/s BUDDHA

When we pointed out that his organization sacked 5% of the bottom performers, Mr Flute summarily dismissed our suggestion of hypocrisy. “We don’t take Jack Welch and his management philosophies seriously. We follow a Buddhist Management philosophy.” So on what basis are these 5% employees sacked? “Bad karma in a previous birth. Firing these people is a good way to cleanse the company and keep its karma pure. It will make us successful in the next birth”

Tommy Says..

This piece of news has left the neighborhood dogs howling. We met Tommy, the neighborhood mongrel who gave us a salacious version. “Man, the only people who get fired there are people who give us biscuits with no hidden intent. The rest of 95% who keep their jobs come to befriend us and learn a trick or two on tail wagging, boss licking, giving cute looks, back biting on behalf of boss etc. The worst are the HCP people! Human Chauvinist P**s Alright!”

We asked Tommy if he is not indulging in undoggily conduct by bitching about people who befriend him? “What to do man I caught this disease from them humans. Its worse than rabies. At least with rabies I only try to bite my own back.”.

Good or bad this is the new avatar of the corporate world.

Dogs and Appraisals

click on the picture below for best resolution. http://donscave.blogspot.com

Notes From JNU

4th April 2010,
Dhabha 1, opp Ganges Hostel (?)

Its a Dog's Life

I had just met up with a friend at JNU and we were sitting at a dhabha table catching up over the news of the last few months. There was this puppy that was asleep at our feet. After a while, he got up and started prancing around with another bigger dog. Puppies can be so cute and funny. Then his friend goes away. Puppy stays around. In a few mins, out of nowhere, appear two large black dogs who jump on the puppy. He comes scampering to our table, but the big dogs pin him down. One of them, gets his large jaw right around the pup's stomach, when we kick out at him. The dogs scamper away. The puppy stays put. He whines a bit and settles down under the table. His friend comes back. The puppy goes to him, warily, and tries to enact how he almost got bitten. His friend, who himself wasn't a big dog, didn't quite know how to react. But he humored the puppy for a bit and then left to chase the next biscuit that had been dropped at the other end. Puppy comes back to base. Its a dog's life

JNU ka Josh

I'm reliably informed that JNU is a very France-like place. Full of egalite, liberte and fraternite. People often rise up against oppression, usually three times a day. The current uprising, is against the oppression of the Indian state of tribals in Jharkhand and Chhattisgarh. So there is a strike against this, and students are apparently not allowed to write their exams. Also apparently, the most popular strikes are the ones during exam times! As a taxpayer, who contributes to the Govt subsidising the education of these folks, I am not amused! But it still is funny ain't it, studing on the Govt's dime and protesting against the Govt!! Viva la democracie! The same reliable informer succinctly puts it, " Campus politics is like mass hallucination"

The Happy Tank

The story of the Happy Tank goes thus. Long time back, the JNU management hired some IIT engineers to build this huge water tank on campus. So these guys got happy and build the tank they did, a huge red and white water tank. It so turned out that the tank was so huge that when filled with water the pillar couldn't stand the weight of the water.So they don't fill it with water. Instead, they have got this black Sintex tank mounted on the side, which must be 1/100th size of the original tank to store water. So, in memory of their Happy IIT brethren, or rather as a tribute, JNU folks gather around regularly at the base of the tank, often many times a day and get happy. So that is the story of the Happy Tank!

The House Always Wins

"Because the house always wins.
Play Iong enough, never change the stakes, the house takes you.

UnIess, when that perfect hand comes,
you bet big. Then you take the house."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkAR8wAWiHM

This is the perfect prescription to take on what life has to offer.

Random Lungi Sighting ...

On a flight from Hyderabad to Chennai, I saw something worth a blog. I saw man wearing a sarong (lungi) boarding the flight ahead of me. Now it is something you won't see too much of in the North, unless you happen to meet our current Home/Defence Minister or their southern colleagues. Anyway, Hyderabad is South India and I chided myself for being surprised at this. Then I saw his hand luggage and immediately you knew I had material for my next blog!

The man was carrying a "lungi-holder". It was similar to one of those contraptions you would pack a suit in. But this was designed for those white formal sarongs or "mundhu's" that people down south would wear. Some of you might have seen it before. But this was the first time I had seen such a thing. My only regret right now is that I hadn't taken a picture of that!

Thank God I don't have a TV

Else I would have to had to see the sorry charade of a wife beating, coke snorting imbecile, whose only credentials in life are his father's name, being paraded around TV channels as the hottest new celebrity in India. Damn reality TV. #$#!@#!#%$@#$%#$

The fact that this show is still playing, means that a lot of people are watching it. Talk about society dumbing down...

The day that would live in infamy

It would have stumped Gandhi,
Nehru would have wept silly,
Patel would have hung his head in shame,
Bose...I wonder what Bose would have done...

It was the day when M.F.Hussein renounced his Indian citizenship and became a citizen of Qatar. I'm not sure that if any or all of the aforementioned gentlemen would have been fans of his art. But what I am sure of is that this is not the India that they had fought for, two of them had died for.

Hundreds of Sikhs were burnt in '84 but we tread on. Thousands of Muslims have been plundered and massacred many times since Independence, but somehow we still went on. Hindus themselves, have killed each other more than a thousand times in the name of caste since independence, yet we were able to go on. We have managed to carve out a political constituency and ideology on all sides of these tragedies. And our country has flourished under a veneer of democracy that we flaunt as a trophy at our lesser democratic neighbours. Flawed as this is, it only takes a cursory peek at our neighbours to realize how blessed we are.

Yet there is no solace for this 96 yr old man. There is no constituency that he could provide, that might interest anyone. Once upon a time, he was an interesting man to hate and whose art could be trashed with great media publicity. But now, that art of trashing has lost its media mileage.

Now he is just a sorry testament to what sometimes looks to be an oxymoron "WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens:

JUSTICE, social, economic and political;
LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship;
EQUALITY of status and of opportunity;
and to promote among them all
FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation;"

One man we fail and its a slap on my Indian face that he chose to find freedom elsewhere. Lets be upfront about this. Indian art is not going to die because MF Hussein decided to be a Qatari. Its not even a drop in the ocean that is India. Nothing died, except even if only by a little bit, the idea of India.

Innocence Lost

Been to any self-service food joint off late? McDonald's / Subway / Nirula's ? Paid the money and got the bill before the order was placed? Waited for a table to get free? Waited for your order no. to flash on those electronic boards?

There is a place in India, where they would give you the food first and then the token, then you go pay the bill. Where you will never get a full table for yourself, and usually you go and share the place vacant in the next available table. The guy who took your bill, will bring precisely what you ordered to your table. They serve arguably the best breakfast you might get anywhere in India.

I have been to this place only once. It was recommended by a lot of friends. I loved that place and would recommend it too. When you go to Pune next, go to the German Bakery. Somebody bombed it today. 8 people died and 30+ injured.

They will probably frisk you silly before you enter that place again. But you should go. I will go too. This bomb shouldn't change us.


He lives in the street next to German bakery. I hope you meet him. He lives under the table of one of those shops that sell footwear on the lane leading to Osho ashram. He has a limp and is fond of marking his territory. I wonder what he made of that big bang noise. I wonder if he would change. Tell him he shouldn't. He is a smart dog. He would understand.

A Master Class in Ripostes

This is not a political article, but an attempt to highlight, how you don't have to roll in the mud with your opponent to prove a point or win the argument.

This was what Rahul Gandhi showed the Shiv Sena last week. The Thackerays had been throwing expletives aplenty at Rahul. These included gaalis on his sexual drive and his mother. (Generally these kinds of gaalis are the preserve of the North Indians that the Thackerays swear to hate! I guess the gaalis have migrated and assimilated better than their creators!)

Such provocation, would have got most men to react violently.What we saw from Rahul Gandhi ended up showing the Thackerays as barking dogs who have to send their lackeys to bite err.. hold black flags. It showed maturity on the Cong G-Sec's part. Letting the Police arrest the Thackerays would have given them undeserved hero status, but ignoring them and doing as he wished, he put them in their place.



The politics of this aside, the learning is people might provoke you to say or do things. If u get provoked, they win. Hold your game and keep your eyes on the prize. You will win in style.

Conformity makes you happy?

I work for a well-known company in India. My job involves meeting a lot of people, everyday. People from various backgrounds and at various levels in the organization. If one were to step back from the sheer tediousness of listening and talking to so many people, its actually a very fascinating experience. Not an experience that I would recommend anyone embrace, but one that I'm sure people would appreciate.

I see a lot of people who have no idea, why is it that they do what they do. People are sticklers for conformity. Thats what they have done all their life. That was what families, peers and societies have demanded out of them. They have got a degree in a subject, which they had no idea they were interested in, but the family circle, thought being an Engineer or a Doctor was respectable. Being an MBA was respectable. They are in marriages which were forced upon them, as they hit the marriageable age. An age deemed by society. Men and women, who are kids themselves, are changing diapers. People in love, decide to tie the knot, coz society demands that they need that stamp of conformity to lead a normal conjugal life.

All these things come at a cost. Your education, love, marriage, loveless marriage. Everything. And the cost is not always money. When such things of greater importance have been an exercise in conformity, what are the odds that your job is going to be any different? You get into what, at the time, was the most talked about industry and meet people like me. I would tell you that, after a point this job like most corporate jobs, would become a pursuit of the next pay cheque to pay your bills. Fulfillment of the soul is moot, as there is no soul to fill. You might think that Conformity, never killed anybody but creativity did. Well my friend, each day you conform, you die a little. Its a pity we hardly do anything about it, though we realize we are dying.

Go on. Be a Tiger (the jungli billi). Challenge the paradigm. Tiger Woods screwed it up, coz he tried to conform to what society expected of him. Nobody lifts an eyebrow at a George Clooney, Vijay Mallya or a Lewis Hamilton. They live on their own terms and make money too.

I recently watched this movie, "Up In The Air" and I must say no movie in recent times has left such an impression on me. I live a nomadic life and revel in the anonymity it gives me, even from my family. We all need someone / something to cling to. But is conformity the price that we pay for it? Are we willing to bear the weight of this conformity?

I have no answer to this question. In life, we need to decide for ourselves, what are the Principles of Life we need to adhere to and live them, regardless of short term consequences.

Watch the movie: "Up In the Air"



An excerpt from the dialogues:

George Clooney: How much did they first pay you to give up on your dreams?

The Guy He is Firing: 27 Grand a Year

GC: And when were you going to stop and come back and do what makes you happy?

TGHIF: Good question

Observations from a road trip

1. Do you have a car, money to buy fuel but sit at home on a pleasant Sunday noon, thinking how bored you are? Its time you get car-jacked. The thief would make better use of your car.

2. Traffic on the road and at the wine shop is much thinner on Sunday.

3. I've always known that Punjabis are loud, but drunk Punjabis are louder than a Pioneer music system, belting out Psychedelic rock.

4. A drunk Punjabi forgets directions within 10 mts but can still buy awesome cake. Road trips are infinitely more fun when drunk Punjabi is around (No offence to Punjabis, your women are hot!)

5. No Punjabi, drunk or sober, would accept non-kadak roti at a Dhabha. It insults everything they hold dear in life. (It should insult all Indians, if u ask me)

6. The Indian countryside is infinitely beautiful. You do not have to visit these extortion rackets called "country resorts" to enjoy the beauty of nature.

7. If you are going to start a bonfire from the stump of a tree by the lake bed, on a starry half-moon night you better have along more liquor and meat or at the least some newspapers so u don't have to sit on wet mud.

8. The setting mentioned in #7 can be considered romantic, only if you are in company of a partner of the opposite sex

9. No one takes kindly to being pissed on, especially dying embers of a bonfire you are trying to put out. Watch out for the fire flakes!

10. You can always coax a dhaba guy to make a 5 egg anda burjee, even when his menu mentions only 1 egg anda burjee

11. After several rounds of KingFisher Light, it just takes one Knock Out, to knock you out!!

12. Stay Cool. Even as you skid on a dirt road you have hit by mistake and dust flies all around, waking the passed out men in the back seat. Your calmness will put them back to sleep in no time. There is no greater sin than disturbing the slumber of a drunk man.

13. Before you embark on a road trip - Fill your tank and empty your bladder, repeatedly!

14. Im happy I could keep my vow of abstinence, through this trip!

Would You Make Your New Year Resolution Public?

I know a lot of people scoff at new year resolutions. Primarily, because we end up not keeping them. There are many more who would look down on the idea, as that is giving one day too much significance. Hence some Bankers, moved New Years to 1 April, Fools Day! If you break your resolution, you can tell you conscience, "I was fooling you anyway!!" or would that be vice versa? Only a banker could have done that!! (Play with promises and conscience, and make a chicken and egg story of the two!!)

But I do believe we should be able to make promises to ourselves to keep. Pick a day and do it. Since most of us don't do it anyways, Jan 1 is just as good a day to start. The point being, DO IT. Let us avoid cowardice, and hide behind phrases like "Subconsciously, I knew..." "My Head said..." "My Heart said..." etc

Its a tough battle between the two. Let not the dread of breaking a promise for 300 days of the year, stop us from making a promise for the first 65. Its ok, it gets better. We should not give up on ourselves so easily. Its a struggle worth fighting for - Nirvana, it is, when there is absolute unity between the conscious and subconscious.

I make my promises; some public, most private.


1. I would abstain from alcohol, through the year.
2. I would lose, a kg a week till i get back to my MBA days weight level!
3. The rest are private :)

Oh yes, wish you a very happy new year my dears!!