Tri-Color Nation

The tri-color reminds many people in India, Russia, Romania, Ireland and Costa Rica of their nation's flag. But the tri-color also represents a ubiquitous entity that transcends national boundaries. It is the color coded lingo of the corporate world.

Across industries, these three simple colors have been used as code by the corporate world to measure complex performance requirements. The job might be getting thermal nuclear power plants to power an entire continent or simply packaging candies made for 3 yr olds, but the report card is the same - Red, Amber of Green. If there is one person who can take credit for this dumbing down of Corporate Management, it is Captain Ranga De.

Captain Ranga De, was a colossus who strutted around this Corporate Nation across continents, in his 25 year corporate career. After a 6 year Army career that was cut short by life-threatening injuries, Ranga De moved to the corporate world and has worked in many companies in different countries in many different roles.

Two things he always carried with him -
1. A hard charging and overbearing attitude that drove his teams to the extreme limits of their performance, patience and sanity
2. The tri-color performance matrix that drove his teams to the extreme limits of their performance, patience and sanity

Ranga De was a hard man to please. Once as the Director of a Sport Channel, he showed Harsha Bhogle the red card from the commentary box, telling him that he would be much better at his job if he talked less and worked more.

Another time, as the Sales Head of a struggling car dealership, he ordered the flagship model to be sold only in Green color to turnaround sales in Gujarat. When that did not succeed, he moved into an HR role and fired the entire sales team for non-performance.

The coup de grace from this illustrious gentleman was delivered surprisingly by his wife, Basanti Ranga De at his retirement party when she said, "I would like to thank everyone he has worked with, who supported him despite the life-threatening injuries, that left him color-blind when he joined the corporate world"

Breaking News : Leading IT Company declares 0% attrition through 2010-11

In what can only be described as a Bradmanesque achievement one of the industry leading marquee IT firms stole a march over all other companies in declaring that it has seen 0% attrition in the entire financial year of 2010-11. When asked by dumb-founded analysts about the secret behind this incredulous achievement, the Chairman of the company pointed to an internal policy memo circulated to its employees by its Chief Human Resource Officer last March.

Dear Employee,
As you would be knowing, we are going through tough times in the IT industry. To help the company overcome these uncertain times, I am implementing the following steps
• I would be linking 30% of your take-home salary to the company performance. And since the company is not doing well, you will in-effect be having a 30% pay-cut.
• I’m also happy to inform you that the above policy would be in-effect for 2 yrs. And when we revert to our old policy all of you would feel like you have got a 30% hike with no additional cost to the company.
• I am implementing a High Convenience travel policy. All future travel requests would start with an Autorickshaw request, For example, if an employee has to travel between Delhi and Chennai, he would start with an Autorickshaw request. If no autos are available, then a bus request and if no buses are available then a train request and finally if no other option is available, the supervisor would fly to Chennai.
• I am terminating the entire house keeping staff in all our office with immediate effect. Employees in bench would be utilized for these services. This would be part of our effort to imbibe Gandhian values in the workplace.
• In appreciation of the employee contribution to the company, with immediate effect I am rewarding all employees with two free Gulab Jamuns at lunch.

I know that all of you would appreciate the Gulab Jamuns and continue to work with us

RAJNIKANTH
Chief Human Resource Officer

Honest Confession to Voyeurism

I'm no voyeur. But some of you are doing your best to make me one. Many of you might refuse to recognise me after this post. Its ok, but you should know.

You see my name is such that it invariably ends up in the top of most people's mobile phone contact lists. Thanks to this privilege, I get atleast 6 unsolicited calls each week.

50% of the time, the unlocked keypad in your pocket, lets me know that you are travelling. Most of the time, its the people on the bikes (I can tell by the sound of the traffic). My dear friends, I sincerely hope that it is a mistake that your phone got dialled and not because your pillion rider was playing with it, in your pocket. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.

20% of the time, people go to sleep on their mobile phone. You see when I get a call at night, its scary. The nature of my job, means any night time call from an office colleague's number is an indication of disaster. So I actually attend these calls. Only to hear snoring at the other end. Yes. Ladies, some of you snore. Or is the person next to you? I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.



20% of the time, its your kids. Some of you might wonder, why an otherwise scary creature like me, could be so good with kids. Well because they call me. All the time. Give any kid a mobile phone and invariably mine is the first number they dial. I strain to understand the mumbo-jumbo language because something in me says its rude to hang up on a kid who called me. Even if I'm running through an airport security check (Yes I left the phone on while it went through the scanner). I don't think any parent gives their cellphone deliberately to their kid. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.

9% of the time, (I'm still not sure how) people hang up when I pick up the phone. I guess this is the malady of the great Indian telecom revolution that is called Call Dropping. Stupid Mobile Phone companies, but friends, I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was not even a genuine mistake on your part.


Last 1% or less, 2 times this has happened. When you make out with your partner, please do put your phone away. Its not at all necessary for me to hear it or about it. I know who you are, but wouldn't embarrass you. I don't think you wanted to make me jealous. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a stupid mistake on your part.

This story is a work of fiction (maybe not) and definitely has no relation to anyone living or dead. But when you see/hear the ubiquitous Amitabh Bachchan remember "Lock Kar Diya Jai", your mobile phone.