The Desperation of An HR Manager

(This post is inspired by a true incident in an IT company I dont work for, but has been shamelessly embellished for blogging and reading pleasure)
Bulbul Sukhija was happy and contended. She had a nice job, HR manager in a muti-national IT company. People thought that hers was the most secure job in the company. They envied her. She thought they envied her Maybelline lipstick, her Estee Lauder nail polish or her fashionable Gucci purses and she liked it.

Then things changed

March 30, 2009 - Bulbul walks into office 5 mins late. She sees her HR colleagues, Rachna and Shweta chatting at the Coffee Machine. She stops to say hi. "Did you see the new SRK movie? He looks so dashing yaar!!"... There was no response from them. None of the usual giggles, screams or hi-fi's. Just a look of gloom and despair. "Whats wrong Rachna? Nitin didnt wanna go shopping over the weekend?" Shweta speaks up - "Did u hear about it? They laid off Gaurav, Rahul, Chetna and Riddhi in Banglore."

Bulbul was shocked. Layoff news should not have shocked her, but this was different. Layoffs in HR?!! That was unheard of. The reality of her world came crashing down on her. "The word is the VP-HR is coming down to our office later this week. Next round could be here.." Bulbul did not hear the rest of her words. Her mind was abuzz with images, sounds, numbers and reports... Reports she never made and numbers she did not know. They were all the preserve of Neha, her sweet but highly pregnant assistant.

Bulbul stumbled to her work station. No one told her she would be fired. But yet why was she feeling like this? Suddenly the room felt very cold and her fingers were shivering. She just froze over. Suddenly her phone rang, it was her VP-HR. He was coming to town on the 3rd of April. He was just checking if she would be in office then. Of course she would! "Sure..see you then. /CLICK/"

No hi's, no bye's, no inane jokes, no agenda, no enquiries on the weather, the cat or other inane things HR people talk about. Bulbul collapsed into her chair. This time she was sweating profusely. She had to do something. Her job was on the line...so was Maybelline/Estee Lauder/Gucci/her brand new Honda City...EVERYTHING WAS ON THE LINE

She called up Neha, who was on leave this week. "Neha how are u feeling?...Could you come into office for a bit this week...I understand your due anytime but this is important... I DONT CARE IF YOUR WATER BREAKS I WANT YOU IN OFFICE NOW!!

After ten more minutes of haggling, Neha agrees to come to office, but only for the 5 hours today. She looked at the last quarter's report. It didnt make any sense to her. What was that formula for attrition again? She called up Neha again.. "How long wud it take to make the Quarter report?... 3 hrs!.. That should be fine. The numbers are already in place?! Wow Great.."

Suddenly Bulbul felt a lot more relaxed. She had 2 hours with Neha to understand the report and then face her VP later this week. This was the kind of stuff she was good at in school, college and MBA.

MBA!! Her classmate Meena . She had worked with this VP-HR. She should call her for some tips. "Hi Meena , how're u doing?...Long time yeah!!...Yes i remember those days...How is Karan ? ... Oh wow! Didnt know that, Im sorry to hear that ... Your doing well right? ... Oh good good... Acha listen, I need a favour...et al.."

She was nice. She told her that the Boss didn't go with just reports. He was hungry for a taste of the action on the ground. What the sales guys were doing. What were the Engineers feeling on the ground. Real info and anectodes. Funny stories, tough stories and the likes... She mumbled her Thank You's all the while wondering how to get all this info.

How would she get all this info at such short notice? She didn't have the time to meet so many people. Just then, Shweta [from the Coffee Machine] walks up to her. She wanted some paper pins. Bulbul asks her, "How do you get info from a group of people, all at once, without meeting them individually?" Shweta looks at her and walks away as if someone asked her what comes after 0 and says over her shoulder, "You meet them in a Group!! Over lunch or something!!"

EUREKA!! BINGO!! That was it WORKING LUNCH!!

She pulls out her manpower report...looks through them and pulls out 30 people she knew.. people who had flirted with her, some she had flirted with, most she had helped out with some issue or the other. Mostly people who would not say no to a hasty lunch meeting.

She shot out an email to these people. It was 10-15 am. Should be enough of advance notice for a 12 pm meeting. Besides gives her about 45 mins before the cafeteria becomes crowded. Enough time to hear the stories of 30 people and give some anectodes to the BOSS no?

To - Bulbul Sukhija
Cc -
Bcc - 30 random guys - 10 Sales/ 10 Techies/ 10 Managers

WORKING LUNCH WITH HR
12 pm at the Cafeteria, today.

Would be great to meet you over lunch to understand how things have been with you and get to plan for the future.
Warm Regards,
Bulbul Sukhija

She called up the admin guy for lunch arrangements. Sorry madam, no budget left. No madam, approvals se nahi chalega. No budget only.../CLICK/ Idiot...

She calls up the cafeteria directly..Can you arrange some food...No admin approval...Im paying for it...Sorry madam only sandwich available. Regular lunch only by 12-45. OK fine.

11.45 am - Bulbul is at the cafeteria.. She paid the cafeteria guy. She sat there at her table doodling in on her notepad, waiting for her pack of story tellers..Slowly the Mark Twains start trickling in one and twos till even that stopped. No more were coming. Final count 13 guys

3 Embarassed Sales guys - [Athos, Porthos, Aramis] Each had thought it was a one to one intimate lunch with Bulbul Sukhija with a promise of many more to come. A reward that was worth postponing their year end hunt to fulfull their sales targets for.

10 Techies - All there for the free lunch.

0 Managers - They didnt read the mail.

Bulbul - Hi, Thanks for coming. So how are things?

Group - Silence, blink, blink.

Sandwiches and Frooti arrive

Bulbul - Please ha...

Group - Grabs at sandwiches and frooti.. *tear*...*gulp*...*slurp*

Bulbul - So how have things been

Techie #1 - That is all?

Bulbul - You can have Frooti too..

Athos thinks "Oh damn, ive done only 90% of my targets, if i get that deal signed today i would meet my nos...I need to get out of here... What was i thinking coming here"

Athos - It has been a great year..we are all very excited.. the company has been great, HR has been very supportive. Can I go now?

Techie #2 - Can i get some sauce pls?

Bulbul - Sure u can get ur sauce. And Athos, we wouldn't take too long. So tell me guys, how has it been going?

Techie #3 - Are we getting laid off?

Bulbul - Ofcourse not. We have an employee friendly HR policy. If you have done well this year, as im sure you have, you have nothing to be worried about. *Smiles*

Porthos' heart flutters. He knows he has done only 15% of his sales targets. He is a sureshot lay-off. He only hopes Bulbul would be the one laying him off .

Techie #4 - The air-conditioning is not working properly on our floor

Bulbul (expectantly) - Does it cause the team discomfort? Any health problems because of that? Team discord due to the increased heat?

Techie #4 - Mumbles something about not being able to find the remote

Bulbul [disappointed] - So what else?

Techie #1 - Can i get more Frooti?

Bulbul - Yes. What else is happening.

Athos - Hi Bulbul, I have to go now, there is a client meeting i have to attend.

Aramis [he has done 95% of his target and doesnt want Altos to beat him] - Bulbul, what is the company policy on timelines? Should we not planning things in advance and not waiting for the last date?

Bulbul - Yes of course. That is there in the second line of the company motto also. "Proactive Delivery"

Aramis - Oh how wonderful. (Smiles at Porthos, who looks daggers at him) Can u tell us more about the organizational principles we have?

Porthos - Yes please (Eagerly awaiting to hear Bulbul's lecture), bites into his 3rd sandwich

Techie #6 - But where is lunch? We only had sandwiches and Frooti

Bulbul (embarassed) - You can all have more sandwiches too

Techie #7 - Only sandwiches?? No bread pakoras?

Techie #9 - Thats exploitation. Just because the job market is dull, you cant treat us like this

Athos (sensing an opening) - Im sorry i have to leave too..moves away quickly without looking back.

Techie #10 - Lets go to Pizza Hut, who is in?

(slight murmer of disinterest in the group) - recession , month-end, bill payment due...

Techie #10 - Yaar its Techie #4's bday treat that is due.

Chairs moving, laughter, feet shuffling.People starting moving out.

Bulbul (relieved its over) - Thanks all for coming. We had a great time. Good luck.

Porthos - Bulbul, You want to come for coffee?
Techie #4 - Bulbul, u want to come for pizza? My treat?
Techie #10 - Bulbul, pizza and coffee after that?

Bulbul - Thanks guys

Friday, 4 April 2009
Bulbul meeting VP-HR

Bulbul - Yes sir, the team is sensitive to the market conditions, but they are working so hard...In fact they know that our team outing budgets are down, but Ive motivated them to pool in and still do their pizza party. The camaraderie is as great as ever, without a single penny from the company. Attrition, is not a challenge sir... (since we lay them off before they resign).

Everyone is so positive sir. They love the company and its values. Even seasoned Sales guys, want me to take up sessions on the company's core vision. The team is so committed, that even on the last day of the financial year, they are gung-ho to go out and meet their nos. Im so proud of the team that we have set up here. All go getters...(and the rest we lay-off)

VP-HR - Good Bulbul. Nice catching up with you. (Gets up to leave)

Rachna and Shweta, from the Coffee Machine, get laid off that evening. Bulbul got transferred to the Branding dept next week.