2014

I regret not putting up a single blog in 2014. Over the last few years I have hardly put up any blogs and have restricted myself to one blog a year. Just to keep up appearance. Sometimes I've had a good story to tell. Sometimes I haven't. But in the last few days of December 2014, i did feel that i had to write a blog, but I got too lazy about it. But time it wasn't just another story. It was an awesome story. A Road trip Story.

Bangalore to Gurgaon Road trip #RashtriyaRoadTrip

These are the statistics from a Bangalore to Gurgaon road trip I recently did with a good friend. Stats done by him and so was most of the driving.

Start: 1st Nov 2013 - 4 am (Nice Road Toll)
Finish: 3rd Nov 2013 - 3pm
Distance Traveled: 2680 KMs
Car: Maruti Esteem VXi 2007
Fuel Consumed: 207 Liters Petrol
Average: 13 KMPL

Total Trip Time: 59 Hrs.
Night Halt : 17 Hours (Nasik & Udaipur)
Road Site Halts (for B/F, Lunch, Dinner /Fuel / Tea / Bio breaks and Tolls): 12 Hrs
Total Driving Time : 30 Hrs
Average Speed : 2680/42 = 64 KM/Hr
Driving Speed Average: 2680/30 = 89 KM / Hr
Highest Speed for a considerable Stretch : 160 Kms / Hr ( some sections of Baroda - Ahmedabad, Chittorgarh-Bhilwara & Kishangarh-Jaipur)
Slowest Speed for a considerable strech : 20Km/Hr (Wani to Mahrashtra -Gujarat Border)

States Traveled Across: 5 (Karnataka / Maharashtra / Gujarat / Rajasthan / Haryana)
No. of Districts: 
No. of Tolls: 39
Access Controlled Expressway: 1 (NE-1 between Baroda- Ahmedabad)
National Highways: 9 (NH-4, NH-50, NH-360, NH-8, NH-8A, NH-8C, NH-76, NH-79, NH-79A)
State Highways: 6 (Maharashtra: SH-30 & SH-17, Gujarat: SH-9. SH-15, SH-177 & SH-703)
City Roads: 3 (Kolhapur, Pune, Nasik and Ahmedabad)

Tunnels Crossed: 2 (Kasara - Pune & Pune Byepass)
Major Rivers Crossed: 21 (Tungabhadra, Malaprabha, Krishna, Markandeya, Hiranyakeshi, Vedganga, Panchaganga, Koyna, Neera, Kadwa, Ambica, Bhima, Mindhola, Tapi, Narmada, Vishwamitri, Mahisagar, Sabarmati, Gambhiri, Banas, Mansi )

Route Taken: 
Bangalore (E-city) - Nice Road - Tumkur - Sira - Hiriyur - Chitradurga - Davangere Byepass - Ranebennur - Devaragudda - Haveri Byepass - Hubli Dharwar Byepass - Belgaum Byepass - Tavandi - Kolhapur - Karad - Satara - Kasara - Pune - Pimpri - Bhosari - Peth - Sangamner - Sinnar - Devlali - Nasik - Ozar -Vani - Saputara - Waghai - Vansada - Kharel - Navsar- Surat Byepass - Ankleshwar - Bharuch - Baroda - Ahmedabad - Gandhinagar - Chiloda - Pranij - Himmatnagar - Shamlaji - Ratanpur - Bicchiwara - Kherwara - Rishabhdev - Udaipur - Mangalwar - Chittorgarh Byepass - Bhilwara Byepass - Nasirabad - Kishangarh - Jaipur Byepass - Manoharpur - Shahpura - Kotputli - Behror - Neemrana - Dharuhera - Manesar – Gurgaon

These are some of the photos from this Bangalore to Gurgaon road trip

These are some experiences and memories from this Bangalore to Gurgaon road trip!

Random experiences are what make a great road trip, but being stuck in traffic before your journey starts, is one best avoided! So time your start to avoid traffic.

Take along enough water, but don't overdo the snacks. If you are really into the roadtrip you wouldn't snack much anyway. 

When you're not driving catch up on your sleep. Never know when you might be required at the wheel.

Avoid Dhabhas where buses are parked. They would take too long to serve.

Try to taste the local delicacies while on your way. Kolhapuri mutton for example. Gujarat is a dry and mostly vegetarian state (just saying).

Knock Out beer is the best beer in this country.

Maharashtra has the worst roads among the so-called developed states in the country. But if you feel like kissing the tarmac as soon as you enter Gujarat, just remember Karnataka, AP and TN also have good roads (mostly)!

Something happens to vehicles when they enter Gujarat. They lose the ability to pick a lane and stay in it. They are constantly straddle two lanes and block your way.

The country side across India is beautiful. There are so many places you can stop to get magnificent views.

Ten years back, Delhi started expanding westward towards Gurgaon. Today, its knocking on the Rajasthan border at Bhivadi. In the next 20 years, Lahore could be a Delhi suburb!

It is not about the car you drive, but how you drive it. Before you upgrade your car, ask yourself if you made the most of your current one.

I leave you with this gem from a truck bumper, "Duniya ka sabse bada rog, kya kahenge log"

Drive safe!

Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw’s Lecture at Defence Services College, Wellington on Leadership and Discipline 11th November, 1998

Taking the liberty to share an edited excerpt of this speech on Leadership and Discipline by Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw. Intelligence, wit and courage come to the fore in this masterclass on leadership. Read the full text at http://www.indiandefencereview.com/spotlights/sam-manekshaw-on-leadership-and-discipline/0/

Issue Net Edition | Date : 26 Mar , 2013 Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw’s Lecture at Defence Services College, Wellington on Leadership and Discipline 11th November, 1998

Commandant, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am fully conscious of the privilege, which is mine, to have been invited here to address the college. A while ago, I was invited to a seminar where the subject was youth, and people said that the youth of this country was not pulling its weight, that society generally was not satisfied with how the young were functioning. When I was asked what I thought about it, I said that the youngsters of this country are disappointed, disturbed and confused. They cannot understand why all these untoward things are happening in this country. They want to know who is to blame. Not them. If they want to study at night and there is no power, they want to know who is to blame. Not them. If they want to have a bath, there is no water; they want to know who is to blame. Not them. They want to go to college and university and they are told there are not any vacancies; they want to know who is to blame. Not them. They say – here is a country which was considered the brightest jewel in the British Crown. What has happened to this Bright Jewel?

The problem with us is the lack of leadership.

No longer are there excuses with the old political masters saying that the reason why we are in this state is because we were under colonial rule for 250 years. They turn around and say that the British left us almost fifty years ago. What have you done? They point to Singapore, they point to Malaysia, they point to Indonesia, and they point to Hong Kong. They say that they were also under colonial rule and look at the progress those countries have made. They point to Germany and to Japan who fought a war for four and a half years- whose youth was decimated and industry was destroyed. They were occupied, and they had to pay reparations; Look at the progress those countries have made. The youngsters want an answer. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I thought I should give you the answer.

The problem with us is the lack of leadership.

So, if leaders are not born, can leaders be made? My answer is yes. Give me a man or a woman with a common sense and decency, and I can make a leader out of him or her. That is the subject which I am going to discuss with you this morning.

…there is lack of leadership in every walk of life, whether it is political, administrative, in our educational institutions, or whether it is our sports organizations.

What are the attributes of leadership?

The first, the primary, indeed the cardinal attribute of leadership is professional knowledge and professional competence. Now you will agree with me that you cannot be born with professional knowledge and professional competence even if you are a child of Prime Minister, or the son of an industrialist, or the progeny of a Field Marshal. Professional knowledge and professional competence have to be acquired by hard work and by constant study. In this fast- moving technologically developing world, you can never acquire sufficient professional knowledge. You have to keep at it, and at it, and at it. Can those of our political masters who are responsible for the security and defence of this country cross their hearts and say they have ever read a book on military history, on strategy, on weapons developments. Can they distinguish a mortar from a motor, a gun from a howitzer, a guerrilla from a gorilla, though a vast majority of them resemble the latter.

Ladies and Gentlemen, professional knowledge and professional competence are a sine qua non of leadership. Unless you know what you are talking about, unless you understand your profession, you can never be a leader. Now some of you must be wondering why the Field Marshal is saying this, every time you go round somewhere, you see one of our leaders walking around, roads being blocked, transport being provided for them. Those, ladies and gentlemen, are not leaders. They are just men and women going about disguised as leaders – and they ought to be ashamed of themselves!

What is the next thing you need for leadership? It is the ability to make up your mind to make a decision and accept full responsibility for that decision. Have you ever wondered why people do not make a decision? The answer is quite simple. It is because they lack professional competence, or they are worried that their decision may be wrong and they will have to carry the can. Ladies and Gentlemen, according to the law of averages, if you take ten decisions, five ought to be right. If you have professional knowledge and professional competence, nine will be right, and the one that might not be correct will probably be put right by a subordinate officer or a colleague. But if you do not take a decision, you are doing something wrong. An act of omission is much worse than an act of commission. An act of commission can be put right. An act of omission cannot. Take the example of the time when the Babri Masjid was about to be destroyed. If the Prime Minister, at that stage, had taken a decision to stop it, a whole community – 180 million would not have been harmed. But, because he did not take a decision, you have at least 180 million people in this country alone who do not like us.

Professional knowledge and professional competence have to be acquired by hard work and by constant study. When I was the Army Chief, I would go along to a formation, ask the fellow what have you done about this and I normally got an answer, “Sir, I have been thinking… I have not yet made up my mind,” and I coined a Manekshawism. If the girls will excuse my language, it was ‘if you must be a bloody fool – be one quickly’. So remember that you are the ones who are going to be the future senior staff officers, the future commanders. Make a decision and having made it, accept full responsibility for it. Do not pass it on to a colleague or subordinate.

So, what comes next for leadership? Absolute Honesty, fairness and justice – we are dealing with people. Those of us who have had the good fortune of commanding hundreds and thousands of men know this. No man likes to be punished, and yet a man will accept punishment stoically if he knows that the punishment meted out to him will be identical to the punishment meted out to another person who has some Godfather somewhere. This is very, very important. No man likes to be superceded, and yet men will accept supercession if they know that they are being superceded, under the rules, by somebody who is better then they are but not just somebody who happens to be related to the Commandant of the staff college or to a Cabinet Minister or by the Field Marshal’s wife’s current boyfriend.

This is extremely important, Ladies and Gentlemen. We in India have tremendous pressures- pressures from the Government, pressures from superior officers, pressures from families, pressures from wives, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews and girlfriends, and we lack the courage to withstand those pressures.

That takes me to the next attribute of Leadership- Moral and Physical Courage. Ladies and Gentlemen, I do not know which of these is more important. When I am talking to young officers and young soldiers, I should place emphasis on physical courage. But since I am talking to this gathering, I will lay emphasis on Moral Courage. What is moral courage? Moral courage is the ability to distinguish right from wrong and having done so, say so when asked, irrespective of what your superiors might think or what your colleagues or your subordinates might want. A ‘yes man’ is a dangerous man. He may rise very high, he might even become the Managing Director of a company. He may do anything but he can never make a leader because he will be used by his superiors, disliked by his colleagues and despised by his subordinates. So shallow– the ‘yes man’.

…what comes next for leadership? Absolute Honesty, fairness and justice… I am going to illustrate from my own life an example of moral courage. In 1971, when Pakistan clamped down on its province, East Pakistan, hundreds and thousands of refugees started pouring into India. The Prime Minister, Mrs. Gandhi had a cabinet meeting at ten o’clock in the morning. The following attended: the Foreign Minister, Sardar Swaran Singh, the Defence Minister, Mr. Jagjivan Ram, the Agriculture Minister, Mr. Fakhruddin Ali Ahmed, the Finance Minister, Mr. Yashwant Rao, and I was also ordered to be present.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a very thin line between becoming a Field Marshal and being dismissed. A very angry Prime Minister read out messages from Chief Ministers of West Bengal, Assam and Tripura. All of them saying that hundreds of thousands of refugees had poured into their states and they did not know what to do.

So the Prime Minister turned round to me and said: “I want you to do something”.

I said, “What do you want me to do?” She said, “I want you to enter East Pakistan”. I said, “Do you know that that means War?” She said, “I do not mind if it is war”.

I, in my usual stupid way said, “Prime Minister, have you read the Bible?”And the Foreign Minister, Sardar Swaran Singh (a Punjabi Sikh), in his Punjabi accent said, “What has Bible got to do with this?”, and I said, “the first book, the first chapter, the first paragraph, the first sentence, God said, ‘let there be light’’ and there was light. You turn this round and say ‘let there be war’ and there will be war. What do you think? Are you ready for a war? Let me tell you –“it’s 28th April, the Himalayan passes are opening now, and if the Chinese gave us an ultimatum, I will have to fight on two fronts”.

A ‘yes man’ is a dangerous man. Again Sardar Swaran Singh turned round and in his Punjabi English said, “Will China give ultimatum?” I said, “You are the Foreign Minister. You tell me”.

Then I turned to the Prime Minister and said, “Prime Minister, last year you wanted elections in West Bengal and you did not want the communists to win, so you asked me to deploy my soldiers in penny pockets in every village, in every little township in West Bengal. I have two divisions thus deployed in sections and platoons without their heavy weapons. It will take me at least a month to get them back to their units and to their formations. Further, I have a division in the Assam area, another division in Andhra Pradesh and the Armoured Division in the Jhansi-Babina area. It will take me at least a month to get them back and put them in their correct positions. I will require every road, every railway train, every truck, every wagon to move them. We are harvesting in the Punjab, and we are harvesting in Haryana; we are also harvesting in Uttar Pradesh. And you will not be able to move your harvest.

I turned to the Agriculture Minister, Mr. Fakhruddin Ali Ahmed, “If there is a famine in the country afterwards, it will be you to blame, not me.” Then I said, “My Armoured Division has only got thirteen tanks which are functioning.”

The Finance Minister, Mr. Chawan, a friend of mine, said, “Sam, why only thirteen?” “Because you are the Finance Minister. I have been asking for money for the last year and a half, and you keep saying there is no money. That is why.”

Then I turned to the Prime Minister and said, “Prime Minister, it is the end of April. By the time I am ready to operate, the monsoon will have broken in that East Pakistan area. When it rains, it does not just rain, it pours. Rivers become like oceans. If you stand on one bank, you cannot see the other and the whole countryside is flooded. My movement will be confined to roads, the Air Force will not be able to support me, and, if you wish me to enter East Pakistan, I guarantee you a hundred percent defeat.”

“You are the Government”, I said turning to the Prime Minister, “Now will you give me your orders?”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have seldom seen a woman so angry, and I am including my wife in that. She was red in the face and I said, “Let us see what happens”. She turned round and said, “The cabinet will meet four o’clock in the evening”.

Everyone walked out. I being the junior most man was the last to leave. As I was leaving, she said, “Chief, please will you stay behind?” I looked at her. I said, “Prime Minister, before you open your mouth, would you like me to send in my resignation on grounds of health, mental or physical?” “No, sit down, Sam. Was everything you told me the truth?” “Yes, it is my job to tell you the truth. It is my job to fight and win, not to lose.”

She smiled at me and said, “All right, Sam. You know what I want. When will you be ready?” “I cannot tell you now, Prime Minister”, I said, but let me guarantee you this that if you leave me alone, allow me to plan, make my arrangements, and fix a date, I guarantee you a hundred percent victory”. “My movement will be confined to roads, the Air Force will not be able to support me, and, if you wish me to enter East Pakistan, I guarantee you a hundred percent defeat.”

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, as I told you, there is a very thin line between becoming a Field Marshal and being dismissed. Just an example of moral courage. Now, those of you who remembered what happened in 1962, when the Chinese occupied the Thag-la ridge and Mr. Nehru, the Prime Minister, sent for the Army Chief, in the month of December and said, “I want you to throw the Chinese out”. That Army Chief did not have the Moral courage to stand up to him and say, “I am not ready, my troops are not acclimatized, I haven’t the ammunition, or indeed anything”. But he accepted the Prime Minister’s instructions, with the result that the Army was beaten and the country humiliated. Remember, moral courage. You, the future senior staff officers and commanders will be faced with many problems. People will want all sorts of things. You have got to have the moral courage to stand up and tell them the facts. Again, as I told you before, a ‘yes man’ is a despicable man.

This takes me to the next attribute: Physical courage. Fear, like hunger and sex, is a natural phenomenon. Any man who says he is not frightened is a liar or a Gorkha. It is one thing to be frightened. It is quite another to show fear. If you once show fear in front of your men, you will never be able to command. It is when your teeth are chattering, your knees are knocking and you are about to make your own geography- that is when the true leader comes out!

I am not a brave man. If I am frightened, I am frightened of wild animals, I am frightened of ghosts and spirits and so on. If my wife tells me a ghost story after dinner, I cannot sleep in my room, and I have to go to her room. I have often wondered why she tells me these ghost stories periodically.

In World War II, my battalion, which is now in Pakistan, was fighting the Japanese. We had a great many casualties. I was commanding Charlie Company, which was a Sikh Company. The Frontier Force Regiment in those days had Pathan ompanies. I was commanding the Sikh Company, young Major Manekshaw. As we were having too many casualties, we had pulled back to reorganize, re-group, make up our casualties and promotions.

The Commanding Officer had a promotion conference. He turned to me and said, “Sam, we have to make lots of promotions. In your Sikh company, you have had a lot of casualties. Surat Singh is a senior man. Should we promote him to the rank of Naik?” Now, Surat Singh was the biggest Badmaash in my company. He had been promoted twice or three times and each time he had to be marched up in front of the Colonel for his stripes to be taken off. So I said, “No use, Sir, promoting Surat Singh. You promote him today and the day after tomorrow, I will have to march him in front of you to take his stripes off”. So, Surat Singh was passed over. The promotion conference was over, I had lunch in the Mess and I came back to my company lines. Now, those of you who have served with Sikhs will know that they are very cheerful lot- always laughing, joking and doing something. When I arrived at my company lines that day, it was quite different, everybody was quiet. When my second-in-command, Subedar Balwant Singh, met me I asked him, “What has happened, Subedar Sahib?” He said, “Sahib, something terrible has happened. Surat Singh felt slighted and has told everybody that he is going to shoot you today”.

Surat Singh was a light machine gunner, and was armed with a pistol. His pistol had been taken away, and Surat Singh has been put under close arrest. I said, “All right, Sahib. Put up a table, a soap box, march Surat Singh in front of me”. So he was marched up. The charge was read out- ‘threatening to shoot his Commanding officer whilst on active service in the theatre of war’. That carries the death penalty. The witnesses gave their evidence. I asked for Surat Singh’s pistol which was handed to me. I loaded it, rose from my soap box, walked up to Surat Singh, handed the pistol to him then turned round and told him, “You said you will shoot me”. I spoke to him in Punjabi naturally. I told him, “Have you got the guts to shoot me? Here, shoot me”. He looked at me stupidly and said, “Nahin, Sahib, galtee ho gayaa”. I gave him a tight slap and said, “Go out, case dismissed”.

I went around the company lines, the whole company watching what was happening. I walked around, chatted to the people, went to the Mess in the evening to have a drink, and have my dinner, but when I came back again Sardar Balwant Singh said, “Nahin Sahib, you have made a great mistake. Surat Singh will shoot you tonight”. I said, “Bulao Surat Singh ko”.

He came along. I said, “Surat Singh, aj rat ko mere tambu par tu pehra dega, or kal subah 6 bjay, mere liye aik mug chai aur aik mug shaving water lana”. Then I walked into my little tent.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I did not sleep the whole night. Next morning, at six o’clock, Surat Singh brought me a mug of tea and a mug of shaving water, thereafter, throughout the war, Surat Singh followed me like a puppy. If I had shown fear in front of my men, I should never have been able to command. I was frightened, terribly frightened, but I dared not show fear in front of them. Those of you, who are going to command soldiers, remember that. You must never show fear.So much for physical courage, but, please believe me, I am still a very frightened man. I am not a brave man.

What comes next? The next attribute of leadership is loyalty. Ladies and Gentlemen, you all expect loyalty. Do we give loyalty? Do we give loyalty to our subordinates, to our colleagues? Loyalty is a three way thing. You expect loyalty, you must therefore, give loyalty to your colleagues and to your subordinates. Men and women in large numbers can be very difficult, they can cause many problems and a leader must deal with them immediately and firmly. Do not allow any non sense, but remember that men and women have many problems. They get easily despondent, they have problems of debt, they have problems of infidelity- wives have run away or somebody has an affair with somebody. They get easily crestfallen, and a leader must have the gift of the gab with a sense of humor to shake them out of their despondence. Our leaders, unfortunately, our “so-called” leaders, definitely have the gift of the gab, but they have no sense of humor. So, remember that.

You have got to have the moral courage to stand up and tell them the facts. Again, as I told you before, a ‘yes man’ is a despicable man.

So much, Ladies and Gentlemen, for leadership, but no amount of leadership will do this country much good. Yes, it will improve things, but what this country needs is discipline. We are the most ill-disciplined people in the world. You see what is happening- you go down the road, and you see people relieving themselves by the roadside. You go into town, and people are walking up and down the highway, while vehicles are discharging all sorts of muck. Every time you pick up a newspaper, you read of a scam or you read of some other silly thing. As we are the most ill-disciplined people in the world, we must do something about discipline.

What is discipline? Please, when I talk of discipline, do not think of military discipline. That is quite different. Discipline can be defined as conduct and behavior for living decently with one another in society. Who lays down the code of conduct for that? Not the Prime Minister, not the Cabinet, nor superior officers. It is enshrined in our holy books; it is in the Bible, the Torah and in the Vedas, it is in the teachings of Nanak and Mohammad. It has come down to us from time immemorial, from father to son, from mother to child. Nowhere is it laid down, except in the Armed Forces, that lack of punctuality is conduct prejudicial to discipline and decent living.

Now, Ladies and Gentleman, you understand what I mean by discipline. We are the most ill-disciplined people in the world. So far, all of you have been very, very disciplined. Discipline can be defined as conduct and behavior for living decently with one another in university. Will you bear with me for another two minutes? Having talked about leadership, having talked about discipline, I want to mention something about Character. We Indians also lack character. Do not misunderstand me, when I talk of character. I don’t mean just being honest, truthful, and religious, I mean something more- Knowing yourself, knowing your own faults, knowing your own weaknesses and what little character that we have, our friends, our fans, the ‘yes-men’ around us and the sycophants, help us reduce that character as well.

Notes From The Future

(This is an article I just wrote for my old high school magazine)

Reading this article is not compulsory. You can choose to skip it. However, if properly read it could provoke mildly erratic behaviour in students and much indignation in adults.

1. I joined this school in 1985 and after what seemed like a 14 year life imprisonment, I was happy to get out in 1999. Perhaps, overjoyed is the right word and I swore I would never go back. But I did. I thought I would bid good riddance to the teachers. But I did not. I fondly remember the good ones, and as for the bad ones, I just don't remember why they were bad.

2. Fourteen years from now, most of you will finally succeed in forgetting the marks you got in your 10th and 12th. However, I hope you don't forget your friends. Friendships from school and sometimes, college are for keeps. Treasure them.

3. You are more likely to remember the fun times in school, than the Pythogoras theorem. Yes, that hypotenuse could turn out to be as useless as you suspect it to be. But perhaps not the person sitting next to you in class.

4. The real education your teachers impart isn't from the text books but from the decency, trust, integrity, creativity, respect and sense of humour with which they conduct their relationship with their class. I had some great teachers in school who taught me incredible life lessons that still guide me.

5. The two subjects that are of utmost importance in life are English and Mathematics. The former helps you earn a living and the latter helps you count what you earn. Sometimes, vice versa also (Don't ask).

6. Top Marks in academics are not always an indicator of future success. Sometimes, those students who keep standing outside class, could really become outstanding in life.

7. The biggest mistake you will make in school is not doing something you really want to do, for fear of ridicule from those around you.

8. Make sure you learn to play the guitar before you leave school. Other hobbies like sports, debating, reading, quizzing, dancing etc are also good but learn to play the guitar. It is a life skill.

9. Forgive your parents. They're just as confused as you are. They mean well.

10. My tribute to Mrs. Thomas on her retirement. She is one of the aforementioned great teachers. My first attempt at real writing was in her English II paper in Std XI. Those years in Diamond House with her and all those plays we did was an unforgettable lesson in team work and commitment. Thank You Ma'am.

God Speed.

2012

Ok, apologies for no blogs this year and this shameless attempt to just fill in one for the record! Happy tidings to all for 2013!

For the Sake of a Post

Didn't want 2011 to go without a post. Now mission accomplished :-)

A lot of things have happened this year but I've not had the time to blog about it and whenever I did have the time, I was too lazy!

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Idiots

This is not a satiric article, but a real look at the world around. I've seen a lot of flowery articles and books on all the greatness and positive karma floating around the world. But rarely have I seen any commentary on the scum floating around. Its time to fix this deficit with this article on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Idiots!

#1 - They are in a position of authority:

Idiots are all around us. But the ones that cause most consternation are the ones that you cannot ignore because they are in a position of authority over us. Their actions have a direct impact on our lives. Eg. parents, elder siblngs, teachers, bosses, politicians.

#2 - They think of themselves as inspirational people

They would think of themselves as inspirational ideologues and would give long-winded lectures to people who out of politeness or deference to the idiot's authority indulge them. (Think school principal!)

#3 - They overestimate their duplicity

Idiots would lie, fudge and mislead others, but are completely oblivious to the fact that the other party is on to their game. Two words to parents : Santa Claus Your kids really do lose respect when they find out.

#4 - "Know it all"

This kind of idiots would butt into any conversation and pretend that they know exactly what is going on and would try to lead the conversation forward through some inane comments that would make no sense to anyone around

#5 - Do not listen

When everybody around them is warning them about the foolhardiness of their actions, they would not pay heed and when they finally do face the consequences of their idiocy, they would blame the very same people who have been warning them.

#6 - Those who get married on reality TV

Married to Rakhi Sawant, Rahul Mahajan...seriously? But I rate this as effective idiocy, 'coz of the TRP ratings. Tells you how much of an epidemic idiocy is in our society or a lack of real entertainment in other channels that people have to watch this!

#7 - Low level of self-awareness

A highly effective idiot, would go through all above 6 points, laugh his/her gut out at other perceived idiots that they might know, but not for a moment realizing or reflecting on his/her own standing there.

Phas Gaya Re Obama - The smart hindi movie

2010 has been a year when I felt that the quality of mainstream movies went up a few notches. There were several movies like Ishqiya, Love Sex Aur Dhoka, Peepli Live that explored different ways of story telling or telling stories that haven't been told before.

In this context, Phas Gaya Re Obama was a movie that simply blew me away by the sheer depth of the script and the twisted irony, that is life, it salutes.

The way in which the unfolding script mirrors the events that led to the collapse of the housing market in the US was pure genius. Any lay person would understand the absurd chain of events that the story line captures. But when you think that its same degree of absurdity that was one of the principle causes of the current recession, it does make you wonder, wtf! And when u think that recession is what Obama is caught in, you go all the more wtf at the ironic name of the movie!

Anyways the intent of this short post is to tell you that 1) I loved this movie 2) Go watch it.

HR Manager in Leading IT Company Lynched for Disrespecting Rajnikanth Dot

In a shocking incident of blasphemy and its gory aftermath, an HR manager was brutally assaulted by a mob of employees in Bangalore’s famous, Electronic City. Giving details of the incident, Chella Devaiah, Superintendant of Police, E-City said, “The group of employees barged into the cabin of this HR manager and beat him black and blue for alleged disrespect to Rajnikanth. They then paraded him across the campus to set an example to other people who might insult Rajnikanth”

After hearing of this incident, Bangalore bus conductors union issued a statement extolling the Godliness of Rajnikanth and promised free bus travel to all the members of the employee mob. All they need to do is produce an FIR of the case filed against them. They also invited Rajnikanth to be a guest Bus Conductor on the 351 /356 Vajra bus service route to attract more passengers and boost employee morale, which has been devastated by i-pod carrying passengers who do not listen to the Sandalwood music diligently played by the bus drivers.

We spoke to some employees of this company who were able to give a cogent version of events. Apparently an employee, marked a mail to the HR Head asking for a salary hike, claiming Rajnikanth had said so. The HR Head replied, saying that, “ Salary hikes are given basis Company performance and quantum of hike depends of the individual performance. Rajnikanth has never and will not play a role in the salary hikes we give.” This response quickly went viral and was forwarded to all employees in the company. A section of the employees were enraged by the flagrant disregard shown by this HR Head to Rajnikanth’s omnipresence and his wish. Another group of employees were slighted by the HR Head not bothering to cross check with Rajnikanth before his response. But a bulk of the employees however were just pissed off that there was no direct answer to the question in the mail.

A mob soon gathered at the cafeteria and decided to teach the HR Head a lesson. But since she was a lady and Thalaivar has clear rules of engagement when it comes to dealing with women, that involves lot of respect giving, a compromise was reached to thrash the HR Manager who reported to her. Thus the mob barged into his room and took out their ire on him. When reports last came in, the HR Manager was recovering from this incident and claimed to be a fan of Rajnikanth himself and was serving the last week of his notice period with the company DOT

Pehchan Kaun

Thats for making a logo with zero inspiration... take that Airtel and JWT!!

And as for the video, with the guy popping up wherever the girl goes...isn't that a bit like Johnny Bravo? Only difference, is the girl is happy to see the guy in the ad.

Whiskey Tequila Frooti - WTF. Its gonna be a thing.

So you're 27 yr old testosterone driven male Vodafone user ever since you got a mobile phone. You wonder if your brand is meant for you. You tolerate the pug and the zoozoo though deep down you wonder it aint a little gay. But then you see the new Vodafone ad openly pandering to women and you think, Whiskey Tequila Frooti



You look at the new Airtel logo, that looks a lot like a lot of things you have seen before but can't quite place your finger on and think Whiskey Tequila Frooti.

And then in that little moment,you know thats exactly what Sunil Bharti Mittal must have been drinking when he approved the new logo! Whiskey+Tequila with Frooti.

Its been a long week and your boss calls you on Friday with a request so patently lousy that even Dilbert would go Whiskey Tequila Frooti along with you.

Your team thinks that you are a pompous ass. Whiskey Tequila Frooti. How did they know?!

Your stuck in a 2 hour traffic jam to get home on Friday, when you get a flat tyre. Yes. Whiskey Tequila Frooti

While you change your tyre, a cop fines you for stopping in a no-parking zone.Whiskey Tequila Frooti

You get home to see a 12 hour power cut and no water supply. Whiskey Tequila Frooti

You go to a restaurant, but forget your wallet. Whiskey Tequila Frooti

After all this, your partner thinks you have been deliberately ignoring her. Whiskey Tequila Frooti.

So you get the idea of WTF-Whiskey Tequila Frooti? Now in case you're wondering, why this combination? WTF!! who drinks this combination anyway??

Neighbour's Envy : Owner's Pride - A Strategy for Foreign Policy?

Anyone who has read the recent book, "Obama's Wars" by Bob Woodward would be struck by 3 things. [a] Afghanistan has been on drift in the Bush years [b] Pakistan has been basically owning the Americans and playing them at will [c] Any American military tactic would be an exercise in find a face-saving exit.

There is a very interesting analogy attributed in the book to the Pakistani Ambassador to the United Stated Haqqani. He says that Pakistan like Iran is a nation of carpet salesman and diplomacy with them is like a negotiation. You got to keep on haggling on the price. Very often the buyer (in this case the US) gets disoriented In the entire seduction of the bargain and ends up with something they would never have bought when they started out! The realities of today are no less amusing. Al Qaeda is today in Pakistan. It is more dangerous for them to be in Afghanistan. The Americans set out in 2001 to root out Al Qaeda in Afghanistan and Pakistan was their ally! If this were December 2001, the Americans would have gone into Pakistan. But somehow they are doling out billions of dollars of defence aid to Pakistan with nothing more than hope.

You have got to hand it to the Pakistanis. They are like the prodigal son of the family. Rowdy, impetuous, always getting into trouble with the good elder sibling (india) watches, yet however they get away with everything and also get the girl in the end!! Pakistan is living Salman Khan’s life!

In this context the recent pronouncements by Obama on his India visit is a landmark move by the American establishment. The Americans had already realized the Pakistani game. But for the first time they have a strategy to deal with it.

If carpet bargaining were an essential South Asian trait, sibling rivalry and jealousy is the crown. By placing up India’s role in this part of the world, the Americans have started off what could be a very bloody game in turning around Pakistan. A disaffected Pakistan could wreck havoc in the short run in the region in an attempt to role back or slow down American largesse to India. If however the Americans hold their ground, then the Pakistanis would start their carpet bargaining game again. Layer by layer new offers would be made. American leverage here is India ie the threat that they would rather get their carpets from the Big brother next door.

Possible things that would happen in the months to come would be
A] Terrorist attacks on American interests in Afghanistan
B] Another 26/11 type attack in India
C] Terrorist attacks on American interests in India
D] Pakistan giving up some senior level Taliban figures to earn goodwill

E] Pakistan giving up Mullah Omar, the Taliban chief
F] Pakistan giving up Al-Zawhari or other senior Al Qaeda leader
G] Osama Bin Laden, dying naturally (due to his kidney ailment)
H] Pakistan giving up Osama Bin Laden

The outer limit to this is the 2012 Presidential elections. If Obama gets re-elected, Pakistan sees a longer game. Else they might have an opportunity to redo from start. Either way the Americans have just unleashed a new wave of chaos. Chaos precedes stability. This unfolding diplomatic game of Neighbors Envy, Owners Pride is sure to usher in interesting times.

Tragic Suicide of Young Woman

In another tragic incident, the chaotic lifestyle of today's urban youth claimed another victim.

Renu Chawla was a 30 yr old successful newscaster for Channel WTF. Though she was from a reasonably affluent middle class background, Renu had to go through her share of problems in life. Educated in a conservative nunnery aka boarding school in Shimla, Renu felt like a freed bird when she moved to one of India’s premier colleges. Inebriation, intoxication and orgasms were words learnt in school but understood in college. These should not mask the fact that Renu was exceptional at studies, which explains her admission to these premier institutions. She was a girl who also had her fun. (If guys reading this are feeling sorry for themselves, ur bad). This life would have been the dream for any guy.

Renu went on to weather a turbulent marriage that was preceded by a whirlwind romance to a guy, whose virtues were visible only to her. She found him funny, smart, handsome and caring. Others however saw him to be slimy, two-faced and perpetually horny. The inevitable divorce left Renu in the dumps but she got her career soaring as a way of coping. Long work days, longer party nights with friends were now her lifestyle. Evading her parents and snooty relatives was now her favorite pastime. It is into this dysfunctional life he came in. She affectionately called him Kenny and she was crazy for him. She changed completely. Work now stopped at 6pm. Friends could wait for the weekend. She could now see her family in the eye.

And then one day she caught Kenny following Sara into her house. Sara was her neighbor and a TV model to boot. She hated that bitch. That bitch with her long silky hair and all. She especially hated her during her bad hair days. Tears streamed down her eyes. All the disappointments of her life flashed in front of her eyes. In a moment of madness, she jumped off her 10th floor balcony.

It was a huge story. Channel WTF covered it LIVE for 36 hours. The Police arrested her ex-husband for abetment of suicide. A heartbroken Kenny sat in the balcony and refused to eat for days and eventually died.

Video of that Bitch, Sara.


PS: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any Renu Chawla, Kenny or Channel WTF is entirely coincidental. However, the same may not be true for others and if this story reminds you of snippets from your own life call a suicide helpline. I shall not be responsible for any damage you do yourself or anyone around you

Kashmir Does Matter - Dont Mess With It

The recent outburst by Arundhati Roy and the reactions to it had got me thinking. While it was easy shooting down the messenger, Ms.Roy, I was however, finding it a little more difficult to overlook her message - The hopelessness felt by the people of Kashmir.

I agree that Kashmir is part of the overall geo-political game in the region and a weak hand by the Indian Government, would have ramifications for the rest of India. After a long search over the past 10 days I have discovered some cynical, startling truths that I cannot explain or justify but I have come to believe.

1. Never trust the Pakistani establishment. But, given that my state of confusion was regarding Kashmir, I would henceforth stick only to the Kashmir problem.

2. The media and punditry has always criticized the GoI for lacking imagination but never have come up with any worth while suggestions themselves. The closest anyone has come up to convince me with their idea for this has been...Pervez Musharaf!!



Watch from 6.55 onwards

3. Power Corrupts. Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely. AFSPA is absolute power. And giving it in the hands of men trained for battle and the moral compass of whose leaders may not always be pointing North (refer Adarsh Society) is asking for trouble. This is not a problem that is restricted to the Indian State. Even the holier than thou Western powers have asked Amnesty International to take a walk when it comes to territories in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Army is meant to fight battles, not govern. They can build a bridge, better and faster than anyone else in the country. But that does not mean we let them run the country, state or districts. This is applicable in every state and corner of the country, of which Kashmir is only one.

4. It is not the Army's job to step in for the failure of elected officials to provide Governance and of bureaucrats to provide efficient pubic service. An efficient democratic process at least lets us throw out the politicians but who is holding the Judiciary and the Bureaucracy of India accountable? The bureaucrats of the country, at worst get a transfer for misdeeds or suspension with pay till they are inevitably restored. Judicial Accountability is the biggest joke in this country. The media is not allowed to question them, without attracting contempt of court proceedings and in the rarest of rare cases where the message does get through, the judge is transferred! So while this is the state of affairs in India, in Kashmir, the bureaucracy is skeletal and the judiciary phantom.

5. One of the biggest reasons for the intractable stance of most Indians in Kashmir is that they do not really have the true picture of what is happening on the ground in Kashmir. It is important for the media to give an accurate picture of the issues on the ground. Fair and balanced, but not the Fox News style! By peddling the Government's side, they are letting the Govt off the hook for its failings.

6. India is a collection of states and culture. Despite the best efforts of our Civics text books, we grow to realize that there is no "Indian culture". Most Indians would feel discriminated and subject to racial taunts when they go to other parts of the country. Ask anyone from the North East in Delhi or South Indian in Delhi or North Indian in Chennai or Bihari in Mumbai. Yet we travel and move to fulfill our dreams. We assimilate and learn. We understand and forgive. We grow by being more Indian.

Being Indian is an acquired taste. I think its worth it.

Tri-Color Nation

The tri-color reminds many people in India, Russia, Romania, Ireland and Costa Rica of their nation's flag. But the tri-color also represents a ubiquitous entity that transcends national boundaries. It is the color coded lingo of the corporate world.

Across industries, these three simple colors have been used as code by the corporate world to measure complex performance requirements. The job might be getting thermal nuclear power plants to power an entire continent or simply packaging candies made for 3 yr olds, but the report card is the same - Red, Amber of Green. If there is one person who can take credit for this dumbing down of Corporate Management, it is Captain Ranga De.

Captain Ranga De, was a colossus who strutted around this Corporate Nation across continents, in his 25 year corporate career. After a 6 year Army career that was cut short by life-threatening injuries, Ranga De moved to the corporate world and has worked in many companies in different countries in many different roles.

Two things he always carried with him -
1. A hard charging and overbearing attitude that drove his teams to the extreme limits of their performance, patience and sanity
2. The tri-color performance matrix that drove his teams to the extreme limits of their performance, patience and sanity

Ranga De was a hard man to please. Once as the Director of a Sport Channel, he showed Harsha Bhogle the red card from the commentary box, telling him that he would be much better at his job if he talked less and worked more.

Another time, as the Sales Head of a struggling car dealership, he ordered the flagship model to be sold only in Green color to turnaround sales in Gujarat. When that did not succeed, he moved into an HR role and fired the entire sales team for non-performance.

The coup de grace from this illustrious gentleman was delivered surprisingly by his wife, Basanti Ranga De at his retirement party when she said, "I would like to thank everyone he has worked with, who supported him despite the life-threatening injuries, that left him color-blind when he joined the corporate world"

Breaking News : Leading IT Company declares 0% attrition through 2010-11

In what can only be described as a Bradmanesque achievement one of the industry leading marquee IT firms stole a march over all other companies in declaring that it has seen 0% attrition in the entire financial year of 2010-11. When asked by dumb-founded analysts about the secret behind this incredulous achievement, the Chairman of the company pointed to an internal policy memo circulated to its employees by its Chief Human Resource Officer last March.

Dear Employee,
As you would be knowing, we are going through tough times in the IT industry. To help the company overcome these uncertain times, I am implementing the following steps
• I would be linking 30% of your take-home salary to the company performance. And since the company is not doing well, you will in-effect be having a 30% pay-cut.
• I’m also happy to inform you that the above policy would be in-effect for 2 yrs. And when we revert to our old policy all of you would feel like you have got a 30% hike with no additional cost to the company.
• I am implementing a High Convenience travel policy. All future travel requests would start with an Autorickshaw request, For example, if an employee has to travel between Delhi and Chennai, he would start with an Autorickshaw request. If no autos are available, then a bus request and if no buses are available then a train request and finally if no other option is available, the supervisor would fly to Chennai.
• I am terminating the entire house keeping staff in all our office with immediate effect. Employees in bench would be utilized for these services. This would be part of our effort to imbibe Gandhian values in the workplace.
• In appreciation of the employee contribution to the company, with immediate effect I am rewarding all employees with two free Gulab Jamuns at lunch.

I know that all of you would appreciate the Gulab Jamuns and continue to work with us

RAJNIKANTH
Chief Human Resource Officer

Honest Confession to Voyeurism

I'm no voyeur. But some of you are doing your best to make me one. Many of you might refuse to recognise me after this post. Its ok, but you should know.

You see my name is such that it invariably ends up in the top of most people's mobile phone contact lists. Thanks to this privilege, I get atleast 6 unsolicited calls each week.

50% of the time, the unlocked keypad in your pocket, lets me know that you are travelling. Most of the time, its the people on the bikes (I can tell by the sound of the traffic). My dear friends, I sincerely hope that it is a mistake that your phone got dialled and not because your pillion rider was playing with it, in your pocket. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.

20% of the time, people go to sleep on their mobile phone. You see when I get a call at night, its scary. The nature of my job, means any night time call from an office colleague's number is an indication of disaster. So I actually attend these calls. Only to hear snoring at the other end. Yes. Ladies, some of you snore. Or is the person next to you? I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.



20% of the time, its your kids. Some of you might wonder, why an otherwise scary creature like me, could be so good with kids. Well because they call me. All the time. Give any kid a mobile phone and invariably mine is the first number they dial. I strain to understand the mumbo-jumbo language because something in me says its rude to hang up on a kid who called me. Even if I'm running through an airport security check (Yes I left the phone on while it went through the scanner). I don't think any parent gives their cellphone deliberately to their kid. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a genuine mistake on your part.

9% of the time, (I'm still not sure how) people hang up when I pick up the phone. I guess this is the malady of the great Indian telecom revolution that is called Call Dropping. Stupid Mobile Phone companies, but friends, I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was not even a genuine mistake on your part.


Last 1% or less, 2 times this has happened. When you make out with your partner, please do put your phone away. Its not at all necessary for me to hear it or about it. I know who you are, but wouldn't embarrass you. I don't think you wanted to make me jealous. I do give you the benefit of the doubt, it was a stupid mistake on your part.

This story is a work of fiction (maybe not) and definitely has no relation to anyone living or dead. But when you see/hear the ubiquitous Amitabh Bachchan remember "Lock Kar Diya Jai", your mobile phone.

Man throws shoe at supervisor for bad appraisal

When Muntadhar al-Zaidi threw his infamous Size 10 shoe, he unwittingly popularized a new form of civil disobedience. This form of political protest has resonated around the world. And now, it has entered the corporate world. All thanks to Johnny Gaddar.

Johnny Gaddar was a happy go lucky corporate lackey, who did anything to keep his boss happy and the good appraisals rolling in. His motto in life was naukri aur chokri. But when his boss sat down with him to discuss a less than satisfactory appraisal, Johnny lost his cool. He could not believe that his hypocritical boss would have the gall to tell him he did not perform, with a straight face. Ten minutes into the conversation, Johnny snapped. He wanted to cry, but didn't want to give his boss the pleasure of seeing him cry. In a flash, he removed his Size 11 shoes and let loose at his boss. The sweet sound of leather smacking his bald forehead was so cathartic for Johnny that he wanted to do it again. By the time, he got his other shoe off, his boss had fled the conference room and was running down the aisle. Seeing this scene unfold before them, other co-workers too took aim at the boss. In fact, Jasmine's six-inch stilettos drew first blood.

Within one hour, word of this incredible happenstance, spread like wildfire across the corporate world. Such scenes were beginning to get replicated across the world. Someone shot a re-enactment of this on their mobile phone and put it up on youtube. The video, had 6 million hits in 6 hours. The Security team in Johnny's office immediately swung into action to confiscate footwear. As you can see, they literally ended with a mountain of shoes.

Group9 Security Head, John Rambo (no relation to Johnny) said, "We had deployed highly qualified security personnel for our operations, as we believed that these corporates were vulnerable to terrorist attacks. In fact many of our personnel are trained commandos. But we did not figure that the biggest terror would come from within."

A senior industry analyst quipped that security agencies like Group9 are seeing windfall profits by charging a bomb for putting up extra overweights chowkidars and putting up cheap mosquito net partitions in conference rooms to protect against shoe-throwers. "A new multi-billion dollar industry has opened overnight, all thanks to stupid bosses!"

MBTI Khap Panchayat

There is a huge social unrest sweeping the country today. It has got the people up in arms and angst. There have been riots across the country, with many State Governments struggling to enforce law and order.

As we know, the entire country is divided into a rigid system of khaps, which are based on an individual’s MBTI scores. There are 16 different khaps across the country as permitted by the MBTI scores. For generations, the khaps have strictly enforced 3 basic rules

1. A man cannot marry a woman from the same khap ie with the same MBTI score
2. A man cannot marry a woman with the same MBTI score as his mother
3. There shall be no social discrimination basis one’s khap or MBTI score

Lily Dholakia, renowned khap sociologist says, “The 3 khap rules of engagement were perfect. A couple with the same MBTI score getting together, was akin to inbreeding and would have begotten retarded children. Rule #2 reflects the total chauvinistic nature of society. If the woman and mother in law had the same MBTI score, the chances of them being best friends are very high, which could undermine the men in the family. Hence they never let bride-Mother in law with the same MBTI score come together.”

This time tested system has seen some recent challenges. Instances of same-khap marriages have increased among young couples. There has been an increase in young couples committing suicide.
One couple, Bunty and Bably Singh in their joint suicide note said, “Once the embers of young love, have fizzled out, we came to realize that we were basically married to mirror images of ourselves and we could neither stand ourselves and neither could we find solace in our partner. We do not want to live such wretched lives. This decision is entirely ours and not influenced by anyone else in our families or khaps and especially not by the group therapy sessions conducted by our khap panchayat”

After the recent recession, companies have begun to realize that they need to fire the bottom 10% employees in their companies. An arbit survey done by NASSCOM has come to the conclusion that ENFP employees form the bulk of these laid-off employees.


Sajani Singhania, a senior HR professional says, “ENFP are very employable people. Its easiest for them to find a job in the market. It also rests very lightly on our conscience, as we know they are going to be better off anyways. It really is a win-win situation” Responding, to this Kroor Singh, a senior INTJ khap leader, said, “If ENFP can have a firing quota, then we demand that INTJ people also be given a hiring quota. This will only restore the balance of fairness. This has a huge conflict potential, with all khaps possibly laying claims to various degress of quotas.

With these competing and controversial demands, the country is heading for tough times ahead. Only cricket or the Government can save us. But with the cricket team and IPL in shambles, as usual, we look to the Government of Pakistan to provide a suitably spectacular diversion so that people can be distracted from this controversy.

Sherry the fondler

The World Cup season is over. Paul the Octopus has won. Mani cut a sorry face, like parrots usually do and Harry the Crocodile didn’t get due credit, coz, let’s face it, nothing Down Under ever does, unless you’re Kylie or Nicole.

But their prowess during the World Cup has inspired the Corporate World to incorporate such best practices into their system. One leading Indian Conglomerate has stolen a march over the rest and come up with their own lucky mascot idea. However, they were confronted with a unique dilemma when they realized that they couldn’t bring an animal into the premises. So the ever-resourceful HR department decided to come up with their own animal and dug into their list of sexual harassment cases to find their own in-house predator.

It was decided to hold a reality TV competition that was beamed live through the intranet to all the 240,000 employees of the company, who voted for their favorite predator. The panel of judges, included notable figures like Shakti Kapoor, Shiney Ahuja and the Managing Director of the company. After an intense competition, which was open to all 124 registered predators and hitherto unknown ones (a group of 12567) a final winner was chosen – Sherry the fondler.

Addressing the audience after the announcement the MD clarified that Sherry held a distinct competitive advantage, because he was an equal opportunity fondler, as he went after men and women, irrespective of their sexual orientation. This was very important in the current socio-economic environment and was the right outlook that the company could showcase.

The company decided to put Sherry to work by allowing him to referee any intra company debate. For eg: If there is a heated debate over opposing business proposals, it would be left to Sherry to referee. If there were 6 people in the group and Sherry gropes/fondles one of them, say Kiran, then Kiran’s proposal would be chosen. If, however, Sherry decides to fondle more than one person then it would be declared a mistrial and the process would be restarted (Yes, this process is fair only to Sherry).

The same process would also be followed in case of promotions. Whosoever, Sherry fondles will be promoted. 1st weeks of January and July have been declared as promotion season. Sherry would be let loose with an HR team in tow and whosoever is fondled by him, would be promoted with immediate effect. The HR team would take care of all the formalities once Sherry is done with the employee.

Karan Ahuja, VP-HR says “We have got many complaints from employees on the much-delayed HR process for promotions and have found this to be the quickest way to address this issue. I’m sure we would increase employee satisfaction this way!”

It is to be seen how popular this initiative would turn out to be. Most employees have mixed feelings about this, except a very ecstatic Sherry. “I used to be an mongrel on the company premises no-one cared about. But now, Im a superstar. As they say, Every Dog Has His Day”