I need some inspiration!

Truth be told... I love my job. But something of late has been bothering me. I have to motivate myself to push myself harder every day. It never was this hard. But when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Funny bit is im not able to put a finger on whats been bothering me.

i always new it was going to be a crazy September. I had a feeling something stupid wud happen....i still do.

What do i want in life?

The last 10 days have been a whirlwind... Delhi to Chennai twoice and in between to Pondicherry and also to a very beautiful wedding. While each of these days would make a good blog in itself. I'll save it for later.

My current state of mind brings me back to one nagging question again and again. WHAT DO I WANT? Want do i want from work? What do i want in life? What do i want from the people around me?

I do not have any self-doubt as to if i can achieve what i want...but question is what do i want. Im scared that im getting stuck in a rut while i try to figure out what i want.
Airports can be a great place to get into some serious self-introspection. The problem with self-introspection itself is when it is left open-ended. It kills you. It keeps you awake day and night and it keeps asking me the same question WHAT DO I WANT?

I made someone something.

Something very interesting happened a few months back.

I got a feedback about a friend of mine who used to be very close to me. I was told the person has changed beyond belief in a positive way. I do believe that I had a hand in remaking that person. It was such a thrilling feeling to have.

Im not on talking terms with that friend now. But the very fact that i had made a difference in someone's life was so gratifying! :-)

Delhi is Beautiful

STATUTORY WARNING - Im rambling again.

I never thought i will be saying this 3 yrs back but I love Delhi. Not because, its a beautiful city. It might be. But its for reasons that are far more experential than that!



Life is not worth living if one doesnt go through a myriad of experiences. In my 3 yrs in Delhi, I have been through all these experiences. Ive not had the very morbid ones, but yes there have been happy, pleasant, exhilarating, sad , heart-breaking, disappointing experiences. That is what makes Delhi memorable for me!


Ive met all sorts of people here. People who had come closest to me, people who have really supported me, people who had betrayed me, people who had loved me, people who loathed me and of course the people who do not even know me. [I do revel in this anonymity]. I have heard a lot of people decry Delhi for the behaviour of its populace, "too arrogant", "flashy", "shallow", "selfish", "greedy" etc. I don't know if all of this is true, it might be. But living amongst all this and surviving makes life a lot more challenging than it otherwise might have been!

Deja Vu

STATUTORY WARNING - This is my first post this year - So im gonna be rambling.
Its funny how I associate songs with moods. Some songs which i used to listen to during a certain phase of my life bring back old memories in an instant, memories ive long since forgotten.

Memories of a city ive left behind, a life ive forgotten, a crush whose face i cant remember, frustration i never voiced, a love i cant forget, bitterness that lingers...

Music is more than lyrics. Its a time capsule of emotions. Today I have been hurt, hurt very badly and the music im listening to now im sure will bring back this feeling of today. Im just gonna make sure i dont listen to my favourite songs today!! Why taint those lovely songs with such memories :-)

Hostel Life @ VKRV Rao Hostel - Delhi University

Room 215, 2nd floor corner left balcony in the foreground

One of the most important places in my life has been VKRV Rao Hostel. To be more specific - Room nos. 101 and 215 of VKRV Rao Hostel, Delhi University. This is where I learnt what it means to be competitive and yet be principled. How to push hard yet not go overboard. I met a lot of people here, bright yet so wonderfully diverse. I never worked harder in my life and never took up so many challenges successfully. There was a disappointment no doubt, but that still lingers on.

I remember getting up at crazy hours in the morning, when the rest of the hostel was sleeping or just going to sleep and getting out for my morning jog! It was a brilliant experience. One of my biggest regrets at the moment is how I have let it all slip and put on weight again! Ah, well another crib for another day!

I would never forget the University Grounds where I used to go jogging. Even now I feel, whenever I have a problem if I could go there, things would somehow just become ok. Its a very strange sort of connection to that place :-)

Another place that I can never forget would be Athar Singh's canteen! Those endless hours of meaningless "bakchodi" along with some good networking were fun. But what was more exciting was the opportunity to exchange notes with some of really smart peers on matters ranging from Game Theory to the nitty gritties of viral marketing. Those were moments when I realised that these were times that could never again be repeated in life! All this of course in the middle of winter at midnight, while downing hot maggi to warm one's frozen innards!

When I talk about VKRV , I must mention the guru of all things enlightened and the man who kept the engine running for most of the guys in our hostel - Maddy! Every hostel around the world would surely have one such Man Friday and Maddy was our man. The poor guy used to get harassed by some pretty desperate blokes at 2 or 3 am in the morning!! [Not like what you're thinking!] They just used to ask him to turn on his Computer!! :-) The hostel LAN took care of the rest!

The biscuit raids that we used to have on the second floor too was something to remember. Even if I ever forget, I'm sure Kloggie Doggie would not quite get over it so easily! It all started one night during a power cut when our man went to the canteen to get some food. He hid the chips under his arms and biscuits stashed in his pockets and stealthily made it all the way from the canteen to the second floor without getting spotted! One could almost feel the sense of achievement as he reached the second floor. Alas! the poor soul did not spot the pack of hyenas [his neighbours] who were chit chatting in the corridor. He arrived just when there was a break in the conversation and the poor soul didn't even hear us or see us. In less than one minute, 2 packets of biscuits and Uncle Chips were snatched away from him and ripped open and gulped down. We were generous, though. We did offer Kloggie his own biscuits and chips... He was too stunned to respond! So we ate his share as well!! :-)

Other places of interest in VKRV were the front "forecourt" where we used to play cricket, the gym cum library, the neighbouring Gwyer Hall Canteen where we used to have our morning chai and biscuit and of course, the Common Room. That was our home away from home and room away from room. MBA life, in between strenuous projects and unbeatable deadlines can be interspersed with loads of free time for which the common room is the most antidote. One experience of a lifetime is watching a Cricket match in a jam packed Common room of 100 men, with the Bongs going totally silent as Ganguly struggling to touch the ball and going bonkers when he finally manages to middle the ball! To add to the spice, they would also let lose a few expletives at Guru Greg! And then one fine day, they go take it a bit too far and abuse MSD! That only got the rest of the Biharis, Jharkandis and metrosexuals in the hostel totally after them!! If the game itself wasn't entertaining, this definitely was!

This photo shows the second floor terrace and those steps are a place where I spent endless hours on the phone in the second year as the signal in my room wasn't too great! Im not the only one, there used to be quite a few guys who used to come here to talk on the phone. So in the evenings, you wud find about 3-4 guys walking around here talking on the phone, taking turns to charge their phone at the plugpoint on the wall. Its funny how things change in a matter of months ... Now I have a phone, a post paid connection and dont have to worry about the bill but somehow come evening, there is no one to talk to! We are all busy in our own sweet world!

I am Back

Well one of the downsides of blogging is that most people, me included(!), find it very hard to keep it going consistently. However if at all I was to revive my blog, I think the best time to do it would be at the end of the year. Its a good time to look back at the year that went by in perspective and see where I am. Also I can ensure I have at least one blog in the year 2007!! :)

So here goes~ My next series of blogs would be dedicated to the year that went by!

And then i breathe!

Finally internship over. Back to college boring life.

Need to do more.

The hunger is brewing inside me.

This is the final stretch. Words no longer hold any meaning. Action and results do. The most decisive period of my life approaches... Damn its already here!

Bring it on....Im ready!

Things have changed.

Its been a month since my last post. And all my hard work during my summer project has come to fruition. More responsibility and reward and more satisfaction.

I have no doubt now that when I play my cards right hard work always brings out its high rewards. I just need to

Push Hard,
Play Smart,
Do More,
Learn More,
Go out There and
Get It Done.

But the more I do it seems the more is asked out of me. Its fine thats how life is...With power comes responsibility and vice versa.

I sail in a very lonely boat that fights the hard winds and at times I wonder if even my sail understands why I fight this torrid tempest. It takes a different character to ride out these times and its very lonely to be me.

I will win, I will fulfill all my dreams, wished and ambitions. But for now the monkey cries...Natt.

My favourite cartoon

What else can it be!

The reason for it is....wait a second...do i need a reason to have a favourite cartoon?

I just love it! I always liked the Hanna Barbara Productions than those made by Chuck Jones. The latter sucked quite honestly!! Jerry had ears like Dumbo the elephant!! And the action or violence or whatever you want to call it seemed contrived. An attempt to keep in touch up with the standards set by Hanna Barbara.

The best part of Tom and Jerry was the absolute violence in it. Oh how i wish i could just chop my sister and nothing happens and we continue hitting and chopping each other...yeah yeah im evil brother...but just think about it... :-) oh the fun of it all!!

Yes i admit i liked tom more than jerry and always used to root for tom to be successful but the poor stupid feline could never get one trick right...and the rare moments when he did pull a fast one on jerry were ones of immense personal (!) satisfaction!

But i liked Butch better than Tom! and the moments he came in were ultra hilarious especially when he whacked the living daylights of tom. That too to an extent that jerry could never dream of accomplishing!! My fave scene, which is etched in my head is of him whacking tom over and over again with a golf club, while tom leaps in agony!!! [:D] Yep im a sadistic evil bully worshipper!! [:D]

A quiz i went through...u shud try it too

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 94% Existentialist 94% Idealist 81% Romanticist 75% Postmodernist 63% Fundamentalist 56% Modernist 44% Materialist 44% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Im not happy.

I imagine my life when I was in college, I hardly had a clue which direction I wanted to go in life. Felt very bad about myself mentally and physically. Wanted very badly to be able to wake up early in the morning. Wanted to be driven. Wanted to be able to walk the talk. To be professional. To be able to look problems in the eye and deal with them. To be the one that could be trusted to get things done.

Today I've done all that. But, I'm not happy... I want more.

If success is driven by wanting more then would I ever be happy?

Definitely. I find great thrills with the smallest joys in life while I leave the bigger issues to fulfill other people's happiness. One more year of education. The world is waiting...and I can't wait to take it on.

I want more...

How I Almost Got Fired From Wipro... :-)

Ok Ive been stacking this blog with the kind of stories that have led to people thinking i have a pretty sorry life! Not True!

Here is a story of how i almost got fired from wipro!
In our wipro email ids, we have the contacts of every employee including azim premji!
so this week when i was making a cab request to the transport dept i put in a cc to the HR dept as well and on a whim i decided to go thru the mailing list! And out of curiosity clicked on azim premji's contact details [curious to know his office add u see!] And lo behold our man's id was added to the cc list!

Now imagine a req for cab being mailed to the Chairmans office!! I know i wouldve lost my job but i also suspect my boss' job wudve been in jeopardy too! On the other hand if he did approve my req for cab...im sure i wudve been travelling around in an ac Honda City for the rest of summer internship :-) Imagine the Travel Desk Guy's face when he sees a summer intern's cab request approved by the CMD!! Oh Man im so excited thinking about this that i actually want to try it out!

ok anyways i somehow spotted his id and removed it, with a huge sigh of relief!

Hmmm...

Woke up at 2.30 am today. Didnt sleep after that...Heard this GNR song at about 5 odd in the common room...I heard this song and its meaning caused me to lacriminate.

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

When man is desperate, even the most routine and normal thing appears to be blown out of propotion. It hurts more than before when the phone is cut. Logical arguments that evoked admiration before now seem designed to keep a distance. This madness seeks reassurance but what if the reassurer is also going mad? Neither can reassure each other but end up aggravating it in their own weird way. The only hope is that when the pain is severe the balm is ultra bliss. Would there ever be a balm to this?

:-)

Things change...all in a matter of minutes. you're issue may not be resolved but it doesnt bother you that much. I live to die another day!! I want to enjoy that life however long or short it might be.

Doing the right thing is painful

Ultra painful. Just the thought of how Im going to see somebody for the next one year and not be able to speak a word...see them very happy and not be part of that happiness or even the reason for it. Not able to emote not able to appreciate, compliment or even get close to look in the eye.

IF THERE IS A GOD ABOVE I ASK YOU THIS QUESTION. WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE? HOW HAVE I SINNED? TELL ME DAMMIT TELL ME WHY DO U PUT ME THRU THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN.

40 mins back i got off the metro. 30 mins back it took just 10 secs for me to die. For me to see someone and not even be able to croak a word of appreciation out my mouth that flowed so easily even yesterday...i wonder how on earth im gonna go thru this.

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO THRU THIS IN MY LIFE?

Made my move

I slept for 20 mins and honestly it felt like 3 hours. Is it that im that relieved or that tired. But i did what i had to... I may have lost the plot because i said things in the wrong manner. And in fact I might even have lost it because I opened my mouth at all. But I have no regrets. I didn't hold out any illusions to anyone. I spoke my mind, my fears and my insecurities. If that is a problem then its a pity. But then thats how life is. This journey may have ended earlier than expected. Painful. I wished it never ended. But it rather not continue on illusions. Hmmm....Painful.Painful.Painful. Is it worth this pain? I dont know. Hope life doesn't prove it is not.

Conflicting Emotions

In life we come across certain times and moments where we can withhold feelings, emotions, facts or ignore them to our advantage. It is very tough to do the right thing and risk losing what probably holds most value to you. Doing the right thing is a gamble with nothing that you can do about it….nothing. It’s the most frustrating moment in life where every conscious brain cell of yours asks you to manipulate to your advantage. It has taken me sometime to clear my mind up and I’m not sure that if I still might not go back on my decision now. Its better to act and let the deed be done than to deliberate about it and let myself be sucked in by my practical side.

I’m not a believer, but I have pretensions to be Righteous. Doing the right thing, puts me and the people around me in great difficulty. But that’s why one should do the right thing, beyond personal pain. Personal pain is maximum when the people around me get hurt.

Letting go twice in a year is stupendous! Never ever thought I’ll have to do it even once in my life. And never thought I’ll be doing it again and that too so quick. But life is such. I can hang around and win this little battle, manipulating and being a nasty person. But then I don’t want the prize of such a battle. Honour and respect mean more to me now than ever before as I want that this prize be won with dignity, honor and respect so that I can keep it and it can keep me with me pride, dignity and respect, knowing that I did nothing wrong. And so I never have to look back in life and feel bad or guilty about anything.

I’ll live a good life and full life. I’m sure of that but thus far for all its imperfections, I’ve never regretted anything I ever did in my life. I don’t want to start doing that now.

I have made up my mind

Alchemist tells Santiago

"Making a decision is only the beginning of things.When someone makes a decision , he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."

I've made that jump.

ME

 

The face is a mirror to your thoughts. Figure out what i'm thinking!